Chewing gum, alien questions, and crippling paranoia

This adult male seated next to me is chewing gum in a very galling manner. He is chewing with relatively high volume while opening his mouth so wide after each chew and boy, those lips are so huge I could fit my fist into that mouth. Not that I want to. I have never heard such a thing, you know –-the loud chewing. Nobody chews that loudly. Where are his parents? Did his parents teach him to do that? Is he perhaps from another world that nobody would know anything about? This would explain his lacking of human propriety. That would make him more intriguing than annoying. An alien. An alien on Earth and I am seated next to it/him/her. How cool is that? Has he got a spaceship? How did he end up here? What is his planet like? Are we more advanced than his people? Do they have rubber ducks and if they do, what is their function? I have got all these questions to ask. If he has plans to leave this planet, would he take me with him? Does he naturally look like that or did he take on human form just so he could fit in and not scare the prattling mortal humans? What is cooler than being cool? Gleep blop florp wabibble? Oh! How I hope I am right.

I do think he wants people to hear him chewing. He thinks his chewing sounds are really great. He has a very big smile on his face that makes me want to disfigure him(assuming he is human). Unfortunately, I can’t do that because his skin looks really raggedy and I might scratch my really soft hands if I even touch him. You lucky raggedy skinned man. Perhaps I should get him a microphone so then the whole world can hear him. He would enjoy that. He looks like he would. Raggedy skinned man and his gum(This could be the title of his one-man band). He can become the famous gum chewer and I will be his manager and get 10% of any money he makes out of each chew.

I look at him and all I want to do is shove my hand into his enormous mouth that starts from one ear and ends at the other, move my fingers around inside there, perhaps find out if he has all his teeth or more than he should have, pinch, pull, scratch, squeeze his tongue a little bit, look for any evidence that he is an alien and then yank that annoying piece of gum out of his mouth while pinching and pulling his tongue once again. He needs to learn how to chew like a normal chap. If only there was a chewing school. I wish I could pull out all his teeth and save humanity from the annoying chewing sounds…and also, I would have saved him from biting his tongue ever in his entire life(I think biting your tongue is the most annoying thing about teeth, I keep accidentally biting my tongue). Such an uncultured brutish fella. Go back to your planet.

There is this lady that I have intense feelings of affection for. I have never talked to her but I have seen her three times. I don’t know how to tell her that I like her. Should I even tell her? What if she isn’t into girls? What if doesn’t like me? What if I am boring? What if she finds me too quiet? What if she is like my mom and thinks I am possessed? I am just going to die alone. Yep, dying alone sounds great. I have to stop thinking and just ask. No, I can’t. Well, I am going to draw a beautiful portrait of her because drawing her is more sensible than me walking up to her and just telling her how I feel. That sounds like good logic. Her smile delights my senses. It is like an arrow shot through my heart, not by cupid though. The thought of cupid is disturbing, a cherubic naked baby boy with wings and a bow and arrow floating in the clouds!! Who the fuck changes his diapers?? Does he even poop??






Well, Fuck You Crippling Paranoia!!!!

I can’t draw her just in case I ever get the courage to ask her out. I don’t want her getting into my house after I have made progress and then get dumped for being a creepy stalker. I don’t even know if I will ever see her again but a girl can dream, right?

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