Time to chat with my demons

Untitled

So, I feel like drowning myself in water. Not deep water, shallow water. I love being underwater. Shit looks so cool under here.” I wanna drown just a little. I do not want to die. I like to think that the universe still needs me alive. I just want to feel something to remind my self of my humanity. Just getting naked and pretending to drown me in water. I always feel some kind of freedom in nudity. Skinny dip underwater a little hoping that my neighbors are not at home.

I need a different environment from the real world. My reality is quickly metamorphosing into a figment of my imagination. Perhaps I’ll see things clearly if I get to that point of near death and have my life flash right before my eyes. I wonder what it is that I will see when this happens. This crappy feeling I have is driving me crazier than I am used to. I feel nothing at all and this worries me as I could be turning into a psychopath. I am finding it really hard to handle this madness. Cutting myself has not been working so far. I need something bordering on the extreme. I am kinda always crazy, it just never gets to this point. I might need a psychiatrist. This is a point where I drink the whole day and watch the extremely violent action and horror movies… I myself even know that I need help as soon as possible. Action movies are the most awesome part. The movies are even cooler to watch when I am high. I question whether it is the alcohol that is making me inebriated. It is definitely the alcohol though because I am fucking indifferent to everything else.

My life is just sad. “Do you want a drink? You can join me. I could really use a buddy right now even though I feel like I do not need one. I am starting to be a hazard to myself” Let’s go crazy together. The reason for going crazy…… I ain’t really sure. “Not sure?” “Yes yes yes.” I lack words to explain. I have no clue how I got to this point. I have this feeling. Crappy it is. I kinda like it. It’s a new one, I have never felt this one. I want it to go. I miss the normal me.

I actually regret visiting that last therapist I had. I now remember. Everything began going downhill after I visited her. I did exactly what she told me and one month later, this is me, about to drown myself. I thought to talk to a stranger who knew nothing about me would help but it just made things worse.

I should in back to handling my shit and fixing things. It works for me. It mostly involves self-destruction which is just as bad as that therapist. I wish I had everything in my life figured out. My demons just love me too much. They do not want to go away. Every once in a while I make love to my demons which are exactly what I should do.

Pretending to be okay is having a debilitating effect on me. Fuck this…… I will just walk to a random citizen and go like, “The smile on my face doesn’t mean am happy, it just means I’m way too drunk to change my expression and I would like you to slap me back to reality.”

5 thoughts on “Time to chat with my demons

  1. Not gonna lie, I feel the exact same. Minus the alcohol; I haven’t got to that stage of needing alcohol to cope with my day. But I understand how you feel, it’s so hard to just get through a day without wanting it all to end in a fiery blaze or sinking underneath the water where no one can hear you scream. It’s hard and no one really understands how it feels to fight with your mind all day every day.

    Anyway stay strong. I’m trying to myself.

    Xx

    Like

  2. For the longest time now i have been using alcohol as an escape from facing my demons but a recent personal event taught me that facing them, accepting who you are and learning to co exist with your demons is way much better than trying to avoid them
    well not the same measures work for all of us but ill quote a you on you “the universe still needs me alive” hope you get to make peace with your demons and find your happy place. Ever need a buddy who can let you offload do not hesitate to contact me.

    Like

    1. Thank you 🙂 You know, I rarely have anyone to talk to and to have you offer makes me feel that I am not alone and someone cares. When I talk to the people close to me, I am often accused of pretending and attention seeking. I guess, what I am trying to say is that the universe could use a lot more people like you.

      Liked by 1 person

Any Comments?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s