Solving a mystery

My old lady used to tell me, “Do not play with boys, they will make you pregnant.” My boobs were still only but pecks. I was 11 years old and far from learning about the reproductive system in school. I needed a reference book to find out what being pregnant meant. I also wanted to know the name of this game that I was clearly being forbidden from playing. Being about to produce new life is what my dictionary told me about being pregnant. I looked up the word produce. To bring forward. So, being pregnant meant to bring forward new life. Bringing forward a living being.

I did further research on pregnant. I saw a picture of a woman with a big stomach, a really big stomach. I had seen women with stomachs like that before. My Dad told me that they were fat. They were fat because they had been fed a lot of special protein. When I asked with whom, he would say their loving husbands. I wondered why he didn’t feed my Mum with special proteins that made women very fat only in the stomach area.

I deduced that pregnancy is a condition caused by special protein given to a woman by her husband. I started to wonder where the special protein was found. I would buy the protein,
eat it, and then be pregnant. The pregnant women did have beautiful faces. After all, I would only be fat for a few months. The protein had a lifespan of nine months. I then noticed most women would stop being fat after one day of going to a hospital. What really happened in the hospital? The women then showed up with babies. I couldn’t connect the protein to babies.

This thought disturbed me for a while until I came up with my own theories.

The hospital definitely had a manufacturing plant that converted the protein into babies. No…this theory didn’t make any sense as my old lady had told me that babies are dropped from the sky.

Here is my second theory which is about the sky man….
The Sky Man who was dropping the babies must have had perfect aim. I mean …all the babies he threw fell in hospitals only and they were thrown to the protein ladies only. It then dawned on me that the fat protein filled stomach was to act as a shock absorber for the thrown babies in case they landed too hard which was often the case. After a few bounces, the protein stomach disappeared. The mother would then hold the baby in her hands, then do pinchification ( a process that involved pinching the baby to make it yell and then stick a tit in its toothless mouth in order to transfer your DNA to the tiny little human.)

And there it is, I had solved the mystery of where babies came from. I went and told my uncle about my great discovery that would go down in history. He laughed so hard. I cried so hard after he laughed. I then yelled. He consoled me till I stopped crying when he told me, “For a kid to be created, a hot-dog has to be stuck in a keyhole.” I figured this one out after I hit puberty and watched ‘American Pie.’

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