Just another day torturing my colleague

I am feeling dark today, so I have set all my gadgets to a dark theme so it matches my heart and create the best possible mood for my ensuing thoughts.

My very incompetent micromanaging racist colleague is at it again. What shall we do to her today?

I know a chemist that owes me a favour. Time to collect some helium gas.

As soon as she gets home, she will find me waiting for her in her bedroom. I will be behind the door. As soon as she opens the door to the bedroom, I will shut it behind her and knock her out.

While she is unconscious, I will carry her to her bed and have her lie on her tummy.

I will:

1. Pull down her pants to expose her flat buttocks.
2. Pull out my phone from my pocket and play the Vagina Song by Pig Vomit.
3. Get the gas cylinder, connect it to my needle and inject the needle into her right buttock.
4. Pump of helium gas into her body through the right buttock till she floats to the ceiling.
5. Watch her expand and float to the ceiling.
6. Stop pumping the gas, pull out the needle and shut the hole from which the needle came out using a cork.
7. Ask the 3 footballers hiding under the bed to come out and kick her around as they do with a football in the field.
8. Watch her bounce off the walls until she deflates and can’t bounce off the walls anymore.
9. I confine her to the bed with handcuffs that I stole from my neighbour who is a policeman.
10. I open the bathroom door to let out her boyfriend who I had turned into an obedient bee earlier in the day.
11. The bee-boyfriend stings her nose and dies.
12. I take the dead bee-boyfriend, I go home and create it.
13. She regains consciousness.
14. I watch her confusion on my laptop thanks to the secret cameras that I installed.
15. She quits her job in disappears to Mars because of the huge nose (huge noses are illegal on earth, people use them to breathe in more oxygen than they need and then sell it to hospitals at exorbitant prices). I made sure the bee boyfriend’s sting effect would be permanent.
16. I enjoy a healthy working environment forever.

Lost tits

So, I wake up in my college dorm bathroom. The only light is that filtering through the filmy windows high above the showers. I am alone. I try the door, only to find myself locked in. Then I realize that it’s the first morning of Thanksgiving break, and since the dorms were cleared out and locked, I am stuck for the next four days.

Fuck fucks fuck. I gotta stop cursing because this is not helping. How did I even end up in the bathroom?? I really can’t remember anything from last night. It must have been a bonkers night. My head feels like a pig crapped in it.

What to do, what to do, what to do!!

Mmmh! I feel my phone in my pockets. Thank goodness I still got it. I dial Kyllan so he can figure out how to solve my small problem. I cannot stay hungry for four days. I can barely last 8 hours without food.

Tits tits tits. I could play with my tits as I wait for Kyllan. Shit! My tits are missing. Where the fuck are my tits? I remember having them before going to the party last night. Shit, the last time I lost my tits, I had willingly given then to the disk jockey because I really enjoyed the music he was playing and thought my tits would make the perfect reward. Thankfully, he returned them the next day as soon as I sobered up. What a nice lad he was. That could have gone so badly with me ending up in jail for sexual harassment. Who knew a day would come when sexually harassed men would get the justice they deserve. The world is indeed getting better.

This is the worst time to lose my tits. What will I tell my boyfriend? He told me to leave my tits with him so I don’t lose them. Looks like I was too overconfident with my idea of responsible drinking. Shit! At least I got four days to come up with the best excuse as to why I do not have my tits.

What if I gave them to a stranger? They could be somewhere milking the hell out my tits, or even worse, they could be suckling directly from my nipples. Oh no! My nipples could come back shriveled. Eeew, I cannot think about this right now.

“Please don’t!” I scream in my head. My fifth horseman of the apocalypse (paranoia) has reared its head. I can’t think of anything else other than my lost tits now. Looks like he is followed by his dear friend anxiety. I really need Kyllan right about now.

What if my tits get sold on the black market? I cannot walk around tit-less and I do not want to get new tits. I should send Kyllan to the tit auction just in case they will be there.

My threesome with paranoia and anxiety is interrupted with a phone call. Kyllan is here with some Pym particles. He passes them through the window, I shrink and walk out through the window. I unshrink and hug Kyllan for saving the day once again. Thank goodness he is a robot or else he would have been tired of me already.

“Here are your tits ma’am.” Those were the best five words I had heard in a really long time. Turns out, Kyllan had my tits tracked and the moment I separated from them, he noticed and went to collect them from some dairy farmers who were already prepping them for milking. I love you Kyllan.

Time to find my man and probably not tell him what happened.

Strangers

I love strangers. Strangers are just peculiar people, very very very strange homo-sapiens. Some of them look like very aggressive and violent criminals with scars on their faces and biceps and triceps made of solid iron with bloodshot eyes in the entire universe probably because they are sick and their situation has nothing to do with illegal drugs and these rabbit-like ears that make you just want to peg them on a hanging line with the biggest lips that Jay-z has nothing on them yet they are the most non-aggressive and non-violent criminals. They are good criminals. They will politely ask to rob you and when you do not agree to that, they will walk away and wish you a very nice day. They use words like please, excuse me, I am sorry. “Excuse me miss. I am so sorry that I have to do this but I would like to relieve you off most of your money. If you would please, I will now show you this very empty gun of mine so that you can feel just a little bit frightened with the whole situation and take me a little bit more seriously. Sorry for my bad behavior. Can I walk you home so this does not happen to you twice?”
Others look like bank managers or presidents or congressmen but they are actually real thugs. They drive the best cars and live the most lavish lives buy they are the worst. They will take advantage of anyone that has a salary and they will tell you how taking a loan will be good for you. The idea becomes so seductive that you forget how repulsive it is to live in debt.

Others poke your butt randomly because they are perverts. “I am really bored today. What to do. What to do. This lunch break is so boring. Where is Stacey the hot secretary? She and I had a really good time during the office Christmas party. Oh, there she is. I will charge towards her with my middle finger and make sure it lands right in the middle of her squishy right butt. I say her right butt because her left one is surprisingly really hard. I had to put my legs in a certain position while performing coitus because continuously ramming into her left butt was causing bruises on my lovely thighs.” Who does not enjoy the company of a good old pervert? There is just something I admire about perverts. I do not know what exactly it is. The ability to add sexual innuendo to the most innocent of things is quite genius, don’t you think?

Others eat female genitalia like vegetables because they think female genitalia is vegetables. “Vegetables are good for you,” mom said. Oh mum, I now see what you meant when I was little. I bet all those boyfriends of-of yours –eeew why the fuck am I even thinking about this, this is disgusting, I am such a loser, I might never have sex ever again. Shit. Oh No, I need my therapist. How will I recover from this? I cannot get this picture out of my freaking head.

Others are fat because they eat a lot of piglets and walk too little. If they walk too much, they will definitely die a horrible death [DEATH FROM WALKING]. Fat is somehow (I fail to see how) an insulting word but who cares(I know I fucking don’t). Why is it even an insulting word? Can someone explain this to me? Babies are fat little things though (I fear babies though, they usually look cute but a fucking manipulators and when they start crying, I never know what to do but yell louder than them. This trick has always shut up wee bastards), and if you have a thin baby, take her to the hospital because something is definitely wrong. Nobody likes a thin baby. In fact, when I become president, all mothers with thin babies will be arrested.

Others have sexually transmitted diseases because they are just proud whores or they had carnal relations with a whore. I would love to meet one that went mad because of syphilis. Man, sex isn’t really a joke and these STDs do not mess at all. If I was an STD and you were a whore, I would become immune to all the drugs you receive and make sure that you are always itching thus improving my living conditions. You would never be able to go out in public because your hands will always be consoling your private parts. The good part of this story is that I am not a fucking STD. Let us cheers to that with a bottle of whiskey and then drink ourselves silly and probably wake up in a ditch somewhere without our clothes and afterward get arrested for indecent exposure. I was arrested once and I made some really good prostitute friends while in the jail cell. The point is, Do not mess with me, I was once in prison. Talking about good people getting STDs from whores, the whole situation is a tad bit unfortunate. There is really no way to tell if someone is a whore. Is it possible to be a whore and be a lady at the same time? Are there ratchet people that are not whores. I really do not care though. Be a lady whore, I do not give a shit.

Others have boobs because they are fat men. I will stop there.

Others have boobs because they are women. All women have boobs though so this is redundant.

Others have boobs and balls because they were once men but now are men with boobs and estrogen instead of testosterone (If I touched or suckled a nipple or two nipples or three nipples, will the penis obey and rise up to the occasion till it reaches a perpendicular position? Mmh, this is exciting. I have got to try this out).

Others are stupid because it just runs in the family and is not their fault. Never blame someone for being stupid until you see their whole family lineage. For all we know, it could be their ancestors’ fault.

Others talk a lot because they have big mouths. You could stuff three billiard balls in their mouths and there would still be plenty of space. Imagine the gag reflex that comes with that mouth. I am sure you agree with me if you got a long big dick. (I hope my mother never gets to read this book. I am currently disappointing her. I can feel it in my fingers and my bones. I hear her voice calling me a loser. –Yes, I hear voices and I enjoy sometimes. I wrote this book thanks to a voice in my head, his name is Tweedles. This book is definitely a tribute to Tweedles.)

Others do plastic surgery so they can have Jay-Z’s lips. I have no comment on this.

Others have fingers that smell like fish because they spend most of their time in the female genitalia. Seriously, they are professional fingerers. It is quite a lucrative business. I wonder what they are usually looking for and if they ever find it. Most of their clients usually have rings lost up in there and some have bangles lost in there (if you are into fisting and that kind of shebang). Someone once lost a condom up there and I know who it is.

Others get tattoos and piercings because they are into sadomasochism. “Physical pain is the shit”, she said, “I love the pain”, she said. She then started laughing maniacally and said, “Hiding real pain.”

Others become doctors because they like to insert needles into and cut people. They
just like to pierce and cut people. It is the closest thing to becoming a human butcher. Well, doctors are the best. What would we do without them and all their god-complex? “I am a doctor. I am the closest thing to god. I could be a god. Without me, you will die.” Well, I am not mocking, only quoting an unnamed source and 80% of that statement is true. We neither need honesty nor humility. Be a dick, you have every right to be, after all, you are next to god. Work hard, become good at what you do, boast about it, be a dick about, nobody will like you but they will always kiss your ass because you can perform miracles.

Others like to interrupt people because they are Kanye West.

Others are pregnant because they had unprotected sex and then there was a union of male and female gametes and after nine months, a little crying, naked person without any teeth are pulled out of the lower part of the female reproductive tract. It is quite disgusting I reckon. I have never done it but I cannot imagine my vagina
opening that wide, wide enough for my head to fit in.

Match day

It’s match day. I got my water filled balloons, I got my tits and I got Kyllan. We are in my lab and we have moved most of the stuff to create space for the long awaited battle. We have our battle music “Eye of the tiger” playing in the background. I got my sporty shorts on. I got my top that has been custom made just for me by Kyllan. Thanks Kyllan. The top is a perfect fit with openings on my chest just enough to sufficiently hang out. I really do love you a little too much. Should we call M.A? He would totally enjoy this.

Kyllan calls M.A. As we wait for him to arrive, Kyllan gets a couch for him to watch from, some pizza, alcohol, juice, fries and a microphone in case he will want to yell something. So far, we know he is rooting for the tits.

Kyllan will be controlling the balloons while I will be controlling my tits. M.A finally gets here. We (Kyllan, the balloons and I) get into the ring. I jump around a bit as my warm up. I am overly confident that I will win this battle. I do not like the smirk on M.A’s face but I will ignore it. The balloons are a formidable opponent. They were trash talking me earlier and it made me so angry I really wanted to pop them then. Considering there were no rules to this match, I sort of secretly froze my tits. They are really hard right now and cold too. I have lowered the temperature of my room to reduce the chances of thawing. A thawed tit will not work to my favour. As soon as M.A gets settled, the match begins.

Kyllan has got one balloon on the right hand and another on the left hand. He starts with the one on the right hand, raising it so high and releasing it on my left tit. Shock on them, the balloon immediately burst after landing on my very hard frozen tit. I start to laugh maniacally. M.A looks a little shocked. It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. His money was on the tits though so, he won’t be losing anything.

Who’s the shit??? I am shit. Try trash talking me now you little wanker. You are dead and torn. I am alive and kicking. You couldn’t even put up a fight. You were never a match for my hard tit.

The left balloon does not like what he just saw. I taunt him. “Want some of that??” Kyllan gets a little worried. He has never seen that side of me, and neither has M.A. I am on fire. Kyllan has become a little attached to the left balloon that is now mourning his boyfriend (turns out the balloons were gay and in love) and has decided that the match must end as he cannot watch the death and mutilation of another balloon. I feel a little bad for the now single balloon. Later in the day, after thawing my tits, I will write an apology letter. I would rub him but then I would get sued for rape which is not good. I would definitely spend the rest of my life in jail as that will be a hate crime against a minority.

Later on, M.A and I celebrate the tit victory by drinking ourselves silly and taking about penguins and how we can acquire a couple. I thank him for showing up. He is a pretty good friend. I wish he supported the balloons so that I could have some of his money right now.

Why God created humans…

1. 1. He was bored.
   2. He was lonely.
   3. For his own pleasure.
   4. He was working on an art project and accidentally created humans.
   5. He created a virtual world that became sentient. He is just a super cool programmer.
   6. He wanted to make the angels jealous because they were starting the misbehave and feel entitled.
   7. He made a bet with his sister on who could create the better universe. He had made landscape only and his sister had people and animals. He then stole the people and animals from his sister’s universe and presented it to his parent. His parent was so impressed that he/she breathed life into the universe, added to his landscape and voila, we came into being.
   8. He created one toy, fell in love with it and decided to give it friends.
   9. He needed a way to exercise his savagery.
   10. He was expressing himself artistically so that he could prove himself to his overbearing parent and overachieving siblings. He finally got the approval he wanted from his parent as he turned his creation into his worshipers which were the ultimate goal.
   11. Jesus had become an obstinate kid and so God had to create people and a whole narrative spanning millennia that would eventually lead to Jesus’ punishment. While Jesus was enjoying thinking he had been forgiven, he was sent to earth and brutally killed then resurrected. He has learned his lesson and has behaved since then.
   12. Perhaps I should stop speculating and ask the doctor, she would definitely have an answer for me, but first, I should consult the Dalek database.

A dozen stupid cats

It was quite a beautiful view. The cold was a bit much but the view more than made up for it. I was on holiday and decided to go mountain climbing, do something out of my comfort zone so I can stop feeling like a piece of shit and it totally worked. After climbing the mountain, I really felt like I could conquer the whole world.

I decided to take a short break so that I could enjoy the view and take some really cool pictures that I would never stop talking about and eventually drive my family crazy about it that they all stop talking to me. While enjoying my break, I heard a meow. Then another meow and another one and another one. Now I was getting really concerned. I started walking towards the meows.

I found the meows behind a cliff. It was a dozen cats and they all looked like they were in tremendous pain. I had no idea what I should do. I put down my bag and looked for my cat translator so that we could understand each other. Bingo, I found the translator.

I then asked the cats what exactly was going on and here is what they told me.

“We had been invited to this party by this rat that we had been friends with for a while. He had gotten a new job and wanted to celebrate his new found source of wealth. When we got there, we were treated to some really sweet cocktails of which he refused to give us the recipe. That did not stop us from drinking. We weren’t getting high fast enough so we decided to pop some pills given to us by our dear rat friend. The pills definitely worked. We were on cloud nine, totally euphoric and feeling like we can conquer the world. We were so so high that we did not notice when all the doors got shut and nobody else was left in the room except us and the rat. At this point, the rat was looking very very handsome. Well, we woke up in the morning in our houses wondering how we got there but we were just happy to be there. After one month, we all start feeling a little sick. We go to the hospital to get tested. They find out that we are all pregnant. We do an ultrasound and we are all pregnant with a hybrid of a cat and a rat. We left the hospital and headed to the rat’s house while very angry. When we explained to him what was going on in our bodies, he put us into a jet and dropped us here to die. ”

That was a very shitty situation. At that moment, I realized what my destiny was. I am here to save these stupid cats that were raped by a rat and are probably pregnant with monsters. Let’s face, a cat and a rat together is definitely not a pretty sight. How will they explain to their children that their dad is a rat and that they cannot eat him??

I called Kyllan, gave him my location and had him show up with my helicopter to carry those cats to safety. As usual, my lovely Kyllan showed up in time, did some first aid on the dozen morons and we left the mountain and headed home. I nursed the cats, despite having no skills at this, until they gave birth and after seeing how ugly their babies were, they decided to eat them.

Meanwhile, Kyllan searched everywhere for the rapist rat and when he found the rat, he arrested him and gave him to the cats to decide what to do with him.

One week later, all those cats had fallen victim to the rat’s charms again and married him. The fucking rat had 12 wife cats and they even invited me to the wedding and told me I could bring other humans. Well, I hope they will live happily ever after.

I almost killed Adolh Fitler

I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.

I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.

“…..now Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”

I had to clear my throat.

“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”

It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,

“Hello, is it me you are looking for.

I can see it in your smile…

You are all I’ve ever wanted…..

And my arms are open wide….

Cause you know just what to say…

And you know just what to do….

And I want to tell you so much….

I love you….”

Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.

Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.

Chills , guns and whips

I had my eyebrows threaded today. It was probably the most awesome thing that happened to me today. I was feeling really good while I was being threaded. As my hair was being plucked one by one, all I could feel were chills down my spine. These were the good kind of chills, the ones that you feel when all of a sudden the boy you have been crushing on all your life touches that weak spot of your body. I did not want her to stop; I wanted the plucking to continue. I was deriving enjoyment and satisfaction from those chills. She continued plucking on my orders until she could pluck no more. The plucker had stopped plucking. What the hell was going on? I got angry and wondered why she had stopped plucking. I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. There really was nothing to pluck anymore. All my eyebrow hair had vanished and I had this default look of surprise that would remain unchanged indefinitely for quite a long while until I grew back my eyebrow hair. The poor plucker cut a fake mustache into two and stuck them just above my eyes. She was perfect. My new eyebrows were very symmetrical and would make babies cry too. This was just wonderful.

On my way out of the salon, I passed this very hot and sexy police officer. He was too gorgeous. It should be illegal to be a law enforcement officer and look like that. He had a gun on one hand and a whip on the other.… “Oh, police officer. Master, I could not help but notice your weapon that incorporates a metal tube from which bullets are propelled by explosive force. You have a very big gun. I would love for you to shoot me with it. I like big things. I’m sure your bullets are big too. I love me some big bullets. It would be a great honor if you wounded me with one of your big metal projectiles that are fired from your gun. I would love that very much.

Oh, and look at your whip. I have never seen one like this. This is a very thick whip. Please, beat me with it. Beat me with your fat strip of leather and leave a scar. I need that scar so that I can remember you. I hear scars are very sexy nowadays and that is why girls are now paying people to beat them and leave them with scars so that their boyfriends love them which is some really screwed up shit. Scars are saving marriages. Beat me, master, beat a begging girl. I will pay you to beat me. All I want is a bullet and one beating. Give me the chills I have always waited for. You would be happy to know that I am not a minor. Can I kiss you and bite your lip a little? Arrest me, sir, those handcuffs would look so great on me. I am a dangerous criminal. Dangerous criminals should be seized by legal authority and taken into custody. Please be my legal authority. You have to arrest me now and take me to the station for a little bullet and whipping action. So, what do you think officer?”

Coup de theatre

I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.

I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.

I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.

This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.

Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.

I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.

Charms that smite the simple heart

Insomnia again. I have gotten so much used to this. I might be starting to love it. There is this little high that you get when you are neither asleep nor awake. Yesterday, I almost got arrested by cops. I was going to spend my first night in jail. I would have written what I was doing but then I might just land myself into trouble in case a little sneaky snitch is reading this. Thanks to my multiple boyfriends, I wasn’t caught.

I have been feeling weird lately. Too weird in fact. A strikingly odd and unusual feeling. I could call myself namby-pamby. This feeling really really sucks. I have been stricken by charms that smite the simple heart.

When I said I wanted a new experience, I was joking. FML:-( It has ambushed me with daggers and spears, poking me from every direction. I feel so confused and attacks. I will die. Not real death, hypothetical death. This feeling is too strange. How do people survive this? It is like a hurricane …worse than a hurricane, extremely

violent with so much fury. I might need divine intervention to snap me out of this. If this is what wusses(I apologize for the use of this word) go through, I pity them. I feel like an insipid weakling who is foolishly sentimental. I need someone to slap me on my right cheek, then I can turn and give them my left cheek for them to slap too and then repeat the process again until I am back to my senses, If a slap doesn’t work, I could use an angry motherfucker. One who will punch the irresoluteness and wishy-washiness out of me.

I really hope this is a less than a 24-hour feeling. How did I start regarding someone with passionate and devoted affection? She technically has crawled into my favor. The one person in the world who can make me do anything without even asking. I have been struck by something overwhelming which is marked by my foolish and unreasoning fondness. I need help.

That was me six hours ago. I’m back to the normal me. I will be doing me from now on. It was good to know I got a heart though. Things like these happen once in a lifetime. Thanks, life, I need no new experiences. I’m kidding, I always kid. Just don’t return that feeling.