I am not equipped to handle you in your current state

Sunday morning

Babe: “Hey, babe! Do you want to watch Spiderman tomorrow morning?”

Me: “Yes, I would love to. It will be a nice way to spend my last day on holiday before getting back to work”

Monday morning

I am awake by 7 am. I start preparing at a snail’s pace. The movie starts at 10 am so I should be out of the house by 9 am. I check on him via text and he responds confirming the date.

I make it to the mall in time. I carried Machiavelli’s The Prince so I could keep myself busy in case I got there before him. He showed up a few minutes after me so I was only able to read a few sentences which I would have to reread when I get back home because I notice that there is too much in my head and I feel sad yet I do not know why.

As soon as I see him, I smile then stand up to meet him halfway and hug him as he plants a little kiss on my lips. We walk to the counter to buy our tickets, hot dogs, popcorn and fizzy drinks. I notice that I did not carry my 3D glasses. I ask the cashier how much a pair costs. My babe tells me to hold up a bit because he might have carried two pairs of glasses. He checks his bag just to realize that he carried 0.

“Babe, will you also get me a pair?” He asks and I agree to get him a pair. I get my debit card and give it to the cashier. He charges my card, I key in my pin and take my card, the 3D glasses that I just bought and my receipt. I look at my receipt and I see the cashier has charged everything on my card, the tickets, food and glasses. At this point, my babe starts walking away from the counter and cancels the mobile money payment process that he had begun on his phone.

I follow babe and we sit as we wait for our movie to start in about 15 minutes. I notice that he is a lot more touchy and keeps telling me how much he loves me. He said more “I love you”s in 15 minutes than he ever has in a week (I have to make it clear that this is not hyperbole). My biggest concern right now is “why don’t I want to tell him that I love him back?” and is this normal to him given that I always tell him that I love him back???

After the movie, we go to his place to have lunch. He tries getting me naked but I am not into it so we settle for cuddling. He asks me to spend the night and I tell him that I can’t because I have to be in the office quite early the next day. Our food is delivered. We get out of bed, and he helps me dress up and recognises my depressed demeanour which I stupidly apologise for and was immediately disgusted with myself for doing it.

While having lunch, I ask him about traffic and what time would be great for me to go home if I did not want to deal with traffic. He mentions that 4 pm and 8 pm are the best times. I choose 8 pm because I generally prefer darkness. That was when he said, “I think you should leave right now because I am not equipped to handle you in your current state.”

I left indeed…..I left physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and sexually.

Lost tits

So, I wake up in my college dorm bathroom. The only light is that filtering through the filmy windows high above the showers. I am alone. I try the door, only to find myself locked in. Then I realize that it’s the first morning of Thanksgiving break, and since the dorms were cleared out and locked, I am stuck for the next four days.

Fuck fucks fuck. I gotta stop cursing because this is not helping. How did I even end up in the bathroom?? I really can’t remember anything from last night. It must have been a bonkers night. My head feels like a pig crapped in it.

What to do, what to do, what to do!!

Mmmh! I feel my phone in my pockets. Thank goodness I still got it. I dial Kyllan so he can figure out how to solve my small problem. I cannot stay hungry for four days. I can barely last 8 hours without food.

Tits tits tits. I could play with my tits as I wait for Kyllan. Shit! My tits are missing. Where the fuck are my tits? I remember having them before going to the party last night. Shit, the last time I lost my tits, I had willingly given then to the disk jockey because I really enjoyed the music he was playing and thought my tits would make the perfect reward. Thankfully, he returned them the next day as soon as I sobered up. What a nice lad he was. That could have gone so badly with me ending up in jail for sexual harassment. Who knew a day would come when sexually harassed men would get the justice they deserve. The world is indeed getting better.

This is the worst time to lose my tits. What will I tell my boyfriend? He told me to leave my tits with him so I don’t lose them. Looks like I was too overconfident with my idea of responsible drinking. Shit! At least I got four days to come up with the best excuse as to why I do not have my tits.

What if I gave them to a stranger? They could be somewhere milking the hell out my tits, or even worse, they could be suckling directly from my nipples. Oh no! My nipples could come back shriveled. Eeew, I cannot think about this right now.

“Please don’t!” I scream in my head. My fifth horseman of the apocalypse (paranoia) has reared its head. I can’t think of anything else other than my lost tits now. Looks like he is followed by his dear friend anxiety. I really need Kyllan right about now.

What if my tits get sold on the black market? I cannot walk around tit-less and I do not want to get new tits. I should send Kyllan to the tit auction just in case they will be there.

My threesome with paranoia and anxiety is interrupted with a phone call. Kyllan is here with some Pym particles. He passes them through the window, I shrink and walk out through the window. I unshrink and hug Kyllan for saving the day once again. Thank goodness he is a robot or else he would have been tired of me already.

“Here are your tits ma’am.” Those were the best five words I had heard in a really long time. Turns out, Kyllan had my tits tracked and the moment I separated from them, he noticed and went to collect them from some dairy farmers who were already prepping them for milking. I love you Kyllan.

Time to find my man and probably not tell him what happened.

HER

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So, we gotta talk about HER because it is a requirement that I study and I can’t do that until I write this because she has been occupying the better part of my head lately.

She is one attractive human who possesses beauty undreamt of. I would randomly see around and thought “she is quite fine-looking this human, I would love to know HER”. Then, I found out we had a few mutual friends who would randomly mention HER in passing and just like that, I randomly met HER. Then I got to have a random conversation with HER one day and damn…I was overcome with awe and wonder. I couldn’t stop listening, she is really sophisticated and witty. That had to be one of the best conversations I have had in my life. I think about it a lot.

Accidental call

One night I randomly go through my phone and I realize that I may have HER number. So, I decided to call HER. I had no chills that day. At one point, someone called me using HER phone and I saved the number. I was only doing trial and error to see if it would go through. It did go through. At first, I was a little nervous but, turns out she was also excited to hear from me. That was a lovely one hour and 44 minutes conversation. We did plan to hang out and smoke little. A vice we both share.

Smoke day

Well, I am probably not proud of all that smoking but it was totally worth it. Chainsmoking was the order of the evening. That whole time, I was learning all these new things from HER. The sapiosexual in me was receiving pleasure and satisfaction every moment of it and I watched HER getting more and more attractive the more she talked.

Another smoke day

This time, I was a tad bit anxious and to calm my nerves, I had a few shots of whiskey. She showed up. I handed HER a shot. We ended up buying more liquor and cigarettes and the rest of the night was too sacred for me to share but it involved selection of clothes and pressing delete.

The memories I got, I never want to lose. I will hold on to them for as long as I can whether I get to see her again or not. I will think about HER at least once a day and then thank the universe for bringing to me this perfect little arrangement of atoms. I am so smitten. I kinda like it. It’s a strange feeling. I got feels again, I think a party to remember this day is in order.

Demo-gorgon

My anxiety has shown its head again. My permanent state of worry and nervousness with the possibility of a panic attack is not good for me right now. I need my sanity. Anxiety has metamorphosed into my own pet demo-gorgon. My demons are not my caterpillars anymore but my butterflies. The caresses of my demons play over my face, moments when I feel that it is just me and my demons especially after I am heartbroken by anything or anyone (for instance, when Ned Stark died in Game of Thrones – Oh yes…I was that intensely affected, to the point where I do not want anything at all to do with Game of Thrones. I get intensely emotionally attached to fictional characters). My demons have become craftsmen with unequaled skill when it comes to handling me.

My heart is thumping wildly. My temperature rises sharply. I was crying hysterically last night and I really do not know why I was just feeling very sad. I was in sad shape, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I may have slipped. I allowed myself to undergo an emotional sensation, the kind that you get pleasure from and now I am suffering the consequences and I am currently writing this at a café that has really fast Internet and also googling ‘how I can be emotionless’ at the exact same time.
My emotions would kill me faster than any physical injury that does not involve veins or arteries would. I have toyed with the idea of slitting my wrists as if it were a game and then I remember that I can go talk to a therapist. I have had a couple of therapists who I owe much of my sanity.
I imagine I am one of those people who unfortunately get to feel everything quite intensely.(If feeling things intensely is actually a thing. Most people just think I pretend, especially my mother.)
I do not understand gray areas, it’s either black or white, heaven or hell, Sith or Jedi, Batman or Joker, Iron-man or Mandarin, Time Lords or Daleks, good or evil. I am ‘extreme’ personified. I overdo everything, drugs included. When it comes to alcohol, I drink as much as I can because all I want is to have a few hours of nonexistent feelings(A part of my life that I lately feel a need to evaluate). The many discordant voices in my head go quiet and I get to zombie-fy just for a few hours. I get to look at something and not feel anything towards it. It is like taking a break from myself. The drinking does come with a lot of obvious disadvantages though. I get very bad hangovers and end up wasting a whole day recovering.
I am happy and sad to say that I am no longer a functioning alcoholic. I feel as though both sobriety and alcoholism will kill me at the exact same rate. If it is not my liver, it is my brain. The happy part is mostly because I am not a social misfit anymore, but, to what end? The voices in my head will not shut the fuck up. I hear them all the time. The amount of concentration I have to channel to keep my head straight on just one thing is almost unimaginable. I find myself thinking about suicide sometimes. I don’t want to be around people. I am constantly seduced by the thought of anonymity which often shows up in my head in the form of a swan, I do not want anyone to know of my existence because that will open doors to heartbreak and a lot of annoyance. I can’t imagine getting out of the house and suffering a panic attack in an environment I cannot control. I can’t date because I have no idea what the voices in my head are usually planning for me. When I am in love, I choose to ignore the feeling and cut the one I am in love with out of my life. I feel like it is the only way that I can protect them and myself. Does this make any sense to you or do I just sound bonkers?

My demo-gorgon, if he were human, listens carefully to me more than he talks, wears nice flattering clothing that are in harmony with my taste, is clean shaven and smells like heaven, he exudes confidence, stands up straight, is quite stout and makes me comfortable with his touch. He is charming and plays me all the music that I like, he maintains eye contact while talking to me and when I get attacked, he carries me to a safe place and lets me know that he will always and forever be there for me whenever I need him. He resurrects all possible forms of exteroception in me, the tiniest stimulus to remind me of the beauty of this world. At this point, the rest of the world does not matter, it has always been me and my demo-gorgon. Just us. We will ride to hell or heaven together.

Time to chat with my demons

So, I feel like drowning myself in water. Not deep water, shallow water. I love being underwater. Shit looks so cool under here.” I wanna drown just a little. I do not want to die. I like to think that the universe still needs me alive. I just want to feel something to remind my self of my humanity. Just getting naked and pretending to drown me in water. I always feel some kind of freedom in nudity. Skinny dip underwater a little hoping that my neighbors are not at home.

I need a different environment from the real world. My reality is quickly metamorphosing into a figment of my imagination. Perhaps I’ll see things clearly if I get to that point of near death and have my life flash right before my eyes. I wonder what it is that I will see when this happens. This crappy feeling I have is driving me crazier than I am used to. I feel nothing at all and this worries me as I could be turning into a psychopath. I am finding it really hard to handle this madness. Cutting myself has not been working so far. I need something bordering on the extreme. I am kinda always crazy, it just never gets to this point. I might need a psychiatrist. This is a point where I drink the whole day and watch the extremely violent action and horror movies… I myself even know that I need help as soon as possible. Action movies are the most awesome part. The movies are even cooler to watch when I am high. I question whether it is the alcohol that is making me inebriated. It is definitely the alcohol though because I am fucking indifferent to everything else.

My life is just sad. “Do you want a drink? You can join me. I could really use a buddy right now even though I feel like I do not need one. I am starting to be a hazard to myself” Let’s go crazy together. The reason for going crazy…… I ain’t really sure. “Not sure?” “Yes yes yes.” I lack words to explain. I have no clue how I got to this point. I have this feeling. Crappy it is. I kinda like it. It’s a new one, I have never felt this one. I want it to go. I miss the normal me.

I actually regret visiting that last therapist I had. I now remember. Everything began going downhill after I visited her. I did exactly what she told me and one month later, this is me, about to drown myself. I thought to talk to a stranger who knew nothing about me would help but it just made things worse.

I should in back to handling my shit and fixing things. It works for me. It mostly involves self-destruction which is just as bad as that therapist. I wish I had everything in my life figured out. My demons just love me too much. They do not want to go away. Every once in a while I make love to my demons which are exactly what I should do.

Pretending to be okay is having a debilitating effect on me. Fuck this…… I will just walk to a random citizen and go like, “The smile on my face doesn’t mean am happy, it just means I’m way too drunk to change my expression and I would like you to slap me back to reality.”

Unknown Variables

Well, ‘disordered in intellect’ could describe my current mental state. I feel totally unsound with all these screwball ideas happening in my head. All I wanted in life was to become a Russian spy and possibly learn how to strangle cats, but guess what, I could totally end up in a mental hospital.

I have been having instances of rapid strong heart pulsations. They get stronger by the second. All these are probably because I cannot stop deliberately thinking about this girl that I have all these feelings about making love with her, going on ice cream and pizza dates, watching movies on my couch and cooking for her. The fact that I am exercising my higher intellectual faculties on this is a revelation most perturbing. All I want to do is send her texts of the romantic and raunchy kind all day.

On the assumption that my mind is getting injured by these thoughts, I can infer that I will not be having relations of sexual nature any time soon. My mind is in a state of painful uneasiness over this just in case I like (I would like to imagine this is how I
refer to the feeling I am having) her more than she likes me.

I generally avoid getting close to people. The less attached I am, the less likely I am prone to yielding to grief or sorrow, the two human emotions that I really do not like. Is there surgery to get rid of that part of the brain that causes all these painful emotions, hmmm not really painful emotions, intense emotions is more like it.

What am I to do with these emotions. I need to get out of my brain. I might find some solace in Peter Griffin’s brain or perhaps Quagmire. I have officially decided not to text her for a while as an experiment so I can see what effect it will have on me.

What the fuck happened to me, I never used to get emotionally attached to anyone. I would have sex with someone, never talk to them until the next time I am in need of carnal relations. Between the penis and the vagina, in my case vagina and vagina, I did not understand where the heart fit in. My life was easier then. I never ever felt like I was losing my mind. Everything was perfect. There were no unknown variables.
I
s this what falling in love feels like? I don’t think so, I would say, I have fallen in like and I hate it. I feel like I am incapable of exercising any restraining or governing influence over my brain. My brain is holding me hostage. Finally, my crazy has beat rationality. I am definitely going crazy. Do you know the activities in the brain that happen when someone is in love are the same activities that happen when someone is going bananas?

I don’t understand all these. This is irrational. How does one person have so much influence on someone else moods? This girl could change my mood from that of Darth Vader to that of Spongebob Squarepants hanging out with Gary and Patrick and Squidward in his Pineapple in Bikini Bottom.

I do not know what to do with all these feelings. Should I tell her? Should I just stop talking to her and let all the feelings fade away? Perhaps I should find out if she likes me as much as I like her….and how does someone find out something like this? Word of mouth is definitely not sufficient. I hate my life at this very moment. I am going to hang myself with tissue paper and when the hanging does not work, perhaps I will try to swallow razor blades but then I will not do it because I am not fucking suicidal and also, that is a very painful way to die, also moving from tissue paper to razor blades, that is pretty extreme and my therapist would not approve.