Match day

It’s match day. I got my water filled balloons, I got my tits and I got Kyllan. We are in my lab and we have moved most of the stuff to create space for the long awaited battle. We have our battle music “Eye of the tiger” playing in the background. I got my sporty shorts on. I got my top that has been custom made just for me by Kyllan. Thanks Kyllan. The top is a perfect fit with openings on my chest just enough to sufficiently hang out. I really do love you a little too much. Should we call M.A? He would totally enjoy this.

Kyllan calls M.A. As we wait for him to arrive, Kyllan gets a couch for him to watch from, some pizza, alcohol, juice, fries and a microphone in case he will want to yell something. So far, we know he is rooting for the tits.

Kyllan will be controlling the balloons while I will be controlling my tits. M.A finally gets here. We (Kyllan, the balloons and I) get into the ring. I jump around a bit as my warm up. I am overly confident that I will win this battle. I do not like the smirk on M.A’s face but I will ignore it. The balloons are a formidable opponent. They were trash talking me earlier and it made me so angry I really wanted to pop them then. Considering there were no rules to this match, I sort of secretly froze my tits. They are really hard right now and cold too. I have lowered the temperature of my room to reduce the chances of thawing. A thawed tit will not work to my favour. As soon as M.A gets settled, the match begins.

Kyllan has got one balloon on the right hand and another on the left hand. He starts with the one on the right hand, raising it so high and releasing it on my left tit. Shock on them, the balloon immediately burst after landing on my very hard frozen tit. I start to laugh maniacally. M.A looks a little shocked. It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. His money was on the tits though so, he won’t be losing anything.

Who’s the shit??? I am shit. Try trash talking me now you little wanker. You are dead and torn. I am alive and kicking. You couldn’t even put up a fight. You were never a match for my hard tit.

The left balloon does not like what he just saw. I taunt him. “Want some of that??” Kyllan gets a little worried. He has never seen that side of me, and neither has M.A. I am on fire. Kyllan has become a little attached to the left balloon that is now mourning his boyfriend (turns out the balloons were gay and in love) and has decided that the match must end as he cannot watch the death and mutilation of another balloon. I feel a little bad for the now single balloon. Later in the day, after thawing my tits, I will write an apology letter. I would rub him but then I would get sued for rape which is not good. I would definitely spend the rest of my life in jail as that will be a hate crime against a minority.

Later on, M.A and I celebrate the tit victory by drinking ourselves silly and taking about penguins and how we can acquire a couple. I thank him for showing up. He is a pretty good friend. I wish he supported the balloons so that I could have some of his money right now.

Chills , guns and whips

I had my eyebrows threaded today. It was probably the most awesome thing that happened to me today. I was feeling really good while I was being threaded. As my hair was being plucked one by one, all I could feel were chills down my spine. These were the good kind of chills, the ones that you feel when all of a sudden the boy you have been crushing on all your life touches that weak spot of your body. I did not want her to stop; I wanted the plucking to continue. I was deriving enjoyment and satisfaction from those chills. She continued plucking on my orders until she could pluck no more. The plucker had stopped plucking. What the hell was going on? I got angry and wondered why she had stopped plucking. I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. There really was nothing to pluck anymore. All my eyebrow hair had vanished and I had this default look of surprise that would remain unchanged indefinitely for quite a long while until I grew back my eyebrow hair. The poor plucker cut a fake mustache into two and stuck them just above my eyes. She was perfect. My new eyebrows were very symmetrical and would make babies cry too. This was just wonderful.

On my way out of the salon, I passed this very hot and sexy police officer. He was too gorgeous. It should be illegal to be a law enforcement officer and look like that. He had a gun on one hand and a whip on the other.… “Oh, police officer. Master, I could not help but notice your weapon that incorporates a metal tube from which bullets are propelled by explosive force. You have a very big gun. I would love for you to shoot me with it. I like big things. I’m sure your bullets are big too. I love me some big bullets. It would be a great honor if you wounded me with one of your big metal projectiles that are fired from your gun. I would love that very much.

Oh, and look at your whip. I have never seen one like this. This is a very thick whip. Please, beat me with it. Beat me with your fat strip of leather and leave a scar. I need that scar so that I can remember you. I hear scars are very sexy nowadays and that is why girls are now paying people to beat them and leave them with scars so that their boyfriends love them which is some really screwed up shit. Scars are saving marriages. Beat me, master, beat a begging girl. I will pay you to beat me. All I want is a bullet and one beating. Give me the chills I have always waited for. You would be happy to know that I am not a minor. Can I kiss you and bite your lip a little? Arrest me, sir, those handcuffs would look so great on me. I am a dangerous criminal. Dangerous criminals should be seized by legal authority and taken into custody. Please be my legal authority. You have to arrest me now and take me to the station for a little bullet and whipping action. So, what do you think officer?”

Coup de theatre

I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.

I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.

I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.

This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.

Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.

I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.

I may need new heels


I never should have worn those hot red sexy six-inch heels today. You should have seen me; I made a guy walk into a pole. He was staring at my lovely legs too much. My face was a little envious. It recently developed a mind of its own and whenever I do something it does not like, a zit rears its face. My face does like to be stared at all the time. What can I say; I have a very jealous face and all the jealousy spread to my tits. My second favorite twins are totally hurt and I have no idea what to do to make them feel better. I could have my girlfriend poke and milk them a little, my tits love that kind of shit.

Those heels are so hot and comfortable. They never hurt my feet, unlike all my other heels. Unfortunately, they chose to hurt my cute pair of buttocks. I can barely sit down. My butt feels like a rock. Those shoes have robbed me of my beautiful soft sitting apparatus. All I need is a warm bath and wine.

One hour later… (in Spongebob’s voice)….

The hot bath really has not helped. I can’t sit down. I can neither lie down on my stomach
because it makes my boobs will pop, I just had them refilled with milk and the milkman advised not to sleep on them or they will look like a version of deflated balloons. If they deflate, I would have only one option …. getting pregnant just so that my mammary glands can naturally produce milk (instead of being refilled) and make my boobies a bit rounder. I will just keep popping babies so that my boobies never run out of milk. I will probably take fertility pills so that I can have twins and triplets. The more the babies, the more the milk, the rounder the boobies and I will be happy…and fat too with a vagina the size of a river canal but I don’t care, I will have killing boobs.

My girlfriend just hurt her hand trying to spank my right buttock, when I turned the other cheek, she double hurt herself. I feel terrible; I was only trying to be the submissive girlfriend. I now have to get her medical attention. She is hurt really bad. Her palm is all red. She must have broken a bone or two. I now feel like a passive girlfriend batterer. I really need to find a way to soften this hard butt.

Moral of the story:
Hard butts are quite dangerous. They can be useful when tricking your enemy to spank you and BAM!!! BROKEN FINGERS.

Enemy – 0
Hard Butt – 1


Unknown Variables


Well, ‘disordered in intellect’ could describe my current mental state. I feel totally unsound with all these screwball ideas happening in my head. All I wanted in life was to become a Russian spy and possibly learn how to strangle cats, but guess what, I could totally end up in a mental hospital.

I have been having instances of rapid strong heart pulsations. They get stronger by the second. All these are probably because I cannot stop deliberately thinking about this girl that I have all these feelings about making love with her, going on ice cream and pizza dates, watching movies on my couch and cooking for her. The fact that I am exercising my higher intellectual faculties on this is a revelation most perturbing. All I want to do is send her texts of the romantic and raunchy kind all day.

On the assumption that my mind is getting injured by these thoughts, I can infer that I will not be having relations of sexual nature any time soon. My mind is in a state of painful uneasiness over this just in case I like (I would like to imagine this is how I
refer to the feeling I am having) her more than she likes me.

I generally avoid getting close to people. The less attached I am, the less likely I am prone to yielding to grief or sorrow, the two human emotions that I really do not like. Is there surgery to get rid of that part of the brain that causes all these painful emotions, hmmm not really painful emotions, intense emotions is more like it.

What am I to do with these emotions. I need to get out of my brain. I might find some solace in Peter Griffin’s brain or perhaps Quagmire. I have officially decided not to text her for a while as an experiment so I can see what effect it will have on me.

What the fuck happened to me, I never used to get emotionally attached to anyone. I would have sex with someone, never talk to them until the next time I am in need of carnal relations. Between the penis and the vagina, in my case vagina and vagina, I did not understand where the heart fit in. My life was easier then. I never ever felt like I was losing my mind. Everything was perfect. There were no unknown variables.
s this what falling in love feels like? I don’t think so, I would say, I have fallen in like and I hate it. I feel like I am incapable of exercising any restraining or governing influence over my brain. My brain is holding me hostage. Finally, my crazy has beat rationality. I am definitely going crazy. Do you know the activities in the brain that happen when someone is in love are the same activities that happen when someone is going bananas?

I don’t understand all these. This is irrational. How does one person have so much influence on someone else moods? This girl could change my mood from that of Darth Vader to that of Spongebob Squarepants hanging out with Gary and Patrick and Squidward in his Pineapple in Bikini Bottom.

I do not know what to do with all these feelings. Should I tell her? Should I just stop talking to her and let all the feelings fade away? Perhaps I should find out if she likes me as much as I like her….and how does someone find out something like this? Word of mouth is definitely not sufficient. I hate my life at this very moment. I am going to hang myself with tissue paper and when the hanging does not work, perhaps I will try to swallow razor blades but then I will not do it because I am not fucking suicidal and also, that is a very painful way to die, also moving from tissue paper to razor blades, that is pretty extreme and my therapist would not approve.


The girl with the chubby hands

I met a gentlewoman. There was a mildness to everything that she did. She was quite wonderful with the most beautiful smile and the most gorgeous big eyes. God must have taken a lot longer creating her, he put the weaknesses at 0% and beauty at 200%, brains at 250%. We had a great conversation full of so much depth (I am into deep conversations, never cared much for small talk which is one of the reasons I do not make friends easily) about clouds and fridges and rice and wood and aliens and the cosmos. That conversation was the most intense I had had with someone in a whole year. I was having moments of intense pleasure in my head, I was headed for a climax. After this, I would not even need to talk to anyone else for the rest of the year, this single conversation was going to sustain me. She likes refrigerators a lot. She sells them for a living. She even promised to give me one for free (I was dancing and doing backflips inside of my head after she said this. Who does not love free stuff). She has got five fridges at her house. Why the hell would a single woman need all those fridges? It is just weird. Is she saving food for when the world comes to an end because of global warming and when we all drown she will be in her bunker eating some nice shit and planning the net world domination?? If that is the case, “I appoint myself to be your girlfriend. You will contribute fridges to the relationship and I will bring my android Kyllan. Kyllan is quite efficient and growing smarter than us by the day.” She offered to take me to her house and show me the beautiful fridges and how spacious they were. She talked about the fridges like they were living things.

She would let me put my head inside the fridge which was an honor of the highest degree. This is a fetish of hers but she didn’t just let any girls do it. One had to be special and unique and today I was the chosen one. While inside the fridge, the cold air from the fridge is transmitted to the head to the rest of the body until it gets to the boobs. The nipples then become erect. Who does not love erect nipples? They are just there standing at attention wanting to be touched. How can one resist that? In this age, one could only raise a nipple with the help of a fridge. There once came a plague that attacked only nipples of women rendering them soft and supple forever. The only safe women were transgender women as the plague identified them as men, However much you stimulate a woman, the nipple state would never change. Soft, supple, flat was the order of the day. For a while, the human race was in a panic mode about the nipple situation and then came the fridge phenomenon and marriages and relationships were saved. No more panicking.

I liked this lady and that meant that I would put my head in the fridge for her. After all, I was looking to be her girlfriend so that we could rule the new earth together after an apocalyptic event. When we got to her house, I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was going to try something new (By something new I mean the fridge thing). This was big for me. I like to stay in my comfort zone and I chose otherwise for this magnificent creature.

When we got to the house, I just wanted to have my head in the fridge but first, she wanted to show me all her fridges and what was inside each. They all had chocolate cake. “Chocolate cake,” I thought, “These would be no good in an apocalyptic situation” I was excited though, this woman probably tasted like chocolate that was in the fridge. She was genetically modified and that meant that she would taste exactly like what she ate for about twenty-four hours after eating it. “Please, do not ever eat red hot chili peppers. Eating those would be a great way to punish me if I ever made you angry. Well, better not make you angry then.” This was definitely heaven for me. My head in a freezer full of chocolate cake. I would finish a whole cake while my head was stuck in that freezer. I have never seen so much cake in my entire existence.

The night was definitely perfect. My head was finally in the fridge. My nipples were as they should be and I was devouring a delicious chocolate cake. She poured some oil on my butt and started massaging. She was massaging me with her butt. I could feel her butt moving around some parts of my body then, something really weird happened. I could still feel her butt on my body parts, in fact, I could feel more than two butts moving all over my body. I then turned just to make sure everything was okay. She could just have gone alien on me which I am not opposed to. I have never heard of multi butted aliens, she has got to be a new species. How awesome would that be?

Oh my goodness! Whatever was massaging me was not her many butts like I thought. They were her two hands. Those have got to be the chubbiest hands that I have ever seen. (Now I know why she has all those tight non-elastic gloves: they squeeze her hands to normal size). Those hands were so big and round. The rest of her was okay except for her hands. I have a morbid fear of chubby hands. A woman with chubby hands tends to be a target for thugs. They can’t fight, mostly because the thugs have this chemical that affects chubby hands making them a lot heavier than they already are that you cannot even raise them. When they try to fight without the effects of the chemical, their hands just feel like a pillow. The hands can explode at any time as they are very sensitive to sharp objects.

My sweet lovely creature 🙂 You did not need to hide this from me. You are more than your hands. I am afraid of what I feel for you is greater than my fear of chubby hands. Come on, I am putting my head back into the freezer and you can continue with your lovely massage. I am sort of enjoying it.

Tomato Cheeks

It is a beautiful, perfect, glorious day and I can’t stop myself from smiling from ear to that it is almost creepy. Too much pleasure. Too much amusement. I am thinking of all the upgrades I am going to give Kyllan before I start traveling with him. I have to make him the best travel companion. The best thing about him is that he does not fart and he cannot smell my farts and if he ever does, I will make sure his programming tells him that it is the best smell in the whole wide universe, he has to find it pleasant <emphasis on the word universe>. He will especially be useful on the days and nights that I choose to drink a lot of alcohol and I need help to go back to my room safe and sound. Kyllan does not drink but he can copy the state of being high and indulge drunkards. Also, I need him to look a lot more human and less robot-y. A very hot and sexy human.

I am just seated at the beach with my legs crossed watching random citizens do random things. Girls walking around with their jiggly butts. Boys trying to hit on them and failing terribly. Too many tits of all shapes and sizes. I would like to poke one with my finger. I wonder if it will feel exactly the same as a water filled balloon. I enjoy filling balloons with water and then just pretending that they are all boob’s and pressing them all day long. It is not fair that I am stuck with the boobs that I have. There are days when I wake up and all I want is to have small boobs and other days all I want is to have big boobs, other days I do not want boobs at all and some other days I would like two pairs of boobs especially when I am going to a place with no food. My four tits would provide me with milk.

Anyway, let’s go back to the beach. This beach is quite a lovely place and it got even lovelier when I saw the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world. I had never ever seen someone so beautiful. Oh my goodness, where did this one drop from. I was staring shamelessly. I had seen heaven. Where did this beautiful creature come from?

I started blushing and she had not even looked at me or noticed my existence. My beautiful creature looked at me for about one second and I blushed harder. My cheeks changed color from brown to pink to red. I could feel them turning red. They were quite hot and looked like ripe tomatoes. I could feel the rest of my body going numb. I could not move. I could not stop blushing. Blood was slowly leaving the rest of my body parts and moving to my beautiful cheeks. The size of my cheeks getting bigger every second. They were getting rounder and growing larger further and further away from my face. Round ripe tomatoes stuck to my cheeks is what it looked like except these were not ripe tomatoes they were actually my cheeks. They were starting to get heavy. If I tried poking them, they would burst. I was starting to look like an alien. With my eyes open so wide, I definitely qualified as an alien. My alien race could be called the ‘Tomato Cheek’ race. My whole body had stopped responding to anything else. At this point, my cheeks were squeezing my lips too tight and unfortunately, my tongue was hanging outside of my mouth as I had forgotten to return it inside my mouth when I was busy marveling at this beautiful creature.

I blushed so so hard.

All my blood concentrated on my cheeks, the rest of my body had become bloodless.
While struggling to move the rest of my body which was proving difficult, a bee stung my tongue. Now my hanging tongue was starting to swell. “Oh shite!” Those were my last words, and they did not even sound like they should.

An ambulance was called.
I must have fainted because I woke in an ambulance with a needle injected into my cheeks and another needle into a vein in my hand and tube in between the two needles. They were returning blood to the other parts of my body and the size of my cheeks was reducing. They felt less heavy. Now I only had my tongue to worry about.

Who knew that beautiful creatures could be hazardous too!!