The brain or the heart?

It was only ever supposed to be just a sex thing, a fling, two adults enjoying each other’s bodies. Nothing more nothing less. When we did it the very first time, I was trying to get rid of all these feelings resulting from my urge to satisfy my sexual impulses. It worked perfectly and in a moment of vulnerability, I asked if we could do that again and he was okay with my idea which in retrospect, I regret saying that. My head wants to end this trysts of ours before my heart gets in too deep. My head stands at the very edge of a deep hole trying to pull out my heart that already slipped and fell into the hole and descending in free fall under the influence of the gravity of his existence. This will end into a tug of war and my head, though rational, is sometimes weaker than the heart.

I go to him on a Friday afternoon, get some alcohol, smoke some tobacco, act like nothing is going on between us because none of our friends know it. We have been extremely discreet so far. I think about his lips, his face, his body. He talks, I can see his lips move but I cannot hear what he is saying, I am memorizing all the details of his face, his nose, his ears, his mouth. He is a beautifully made piece of human being. If he was created by God, he did not hold out anything on this one. If he evolved, then nature must have favored him.

I see him and I feel shivers down my spine. He touches me and my knees suddenly become doughy. I cannot stand anymore. Someone, please pick me up. I cannot stop looking at him. He is a mystery. A mystery that I do not want to solve. There is some sanctitude in what we have and what I feel for him thus solving this mystery will damage irreparably the very delicate temple in my head where I store all my memories and imaginations of us.

We kiss, we have sex but we never talk about it. I wonder whether he likes it or not. In fact, we rarely talk. Does he think of me as much as I think of him? If he does think of me, does he smile? When it is time to sleep, he comes to bed, he doesn’t say anything but we all know what is about to happen. At this point, I am doing back-flips in my head, my heart is racing a little bit, his lips touch mine and for a moment, nothing else exists but he and I. I move my fingers through his rugged hair and wonder what he would look like if he cut it all. I run my fingers down from his temple all the way to his succulent lips. We have a go at it which is always a mind-blowing experience and when he cums, we take a nap or rather he takes a nap. I have my eyes open. I am memorizing all the details of his naked body. I rest on my side with my right leg on top of his as he cuddles me. I notice how our skin tones are quite different. I think about an artist coming in and painting us just as we are so I con something to hold on to in case my memory fades away. He is magnificent.

After the nap, he slowly touches my hand and leads it to his phallus. He is hard again. He kisses me, plays with me a little bit and then asks me to ride him. I can feel him cumming. I sometimes wonder, ‘Does he ever get worried that I may get pregnant??’ even-though I know that I cannot. Will he hold these shenanigans against me if I decide to quit him?? Does he know how happy I am that I get to have sex with him??

If this was meant to only be a sex thing, why do I feel how I feel?? Why does my heart feel smote by him?? Why am I slightly jealous when I hear that he is with another girl?? I want to be selfish with him. I want his lips to be mine and mine alone. This was never supposed to happen. I find myself compartmentalizing him and pretending that he does not exist. Move on with my life without all these annoying feelings.

Please, feel my thoughts deep inside, reach out further and feel what I feel and tell that one thing, just one thing that will make me know whether to embrace these feelings or get rid of them.

The amazing tactile duo

My digital circuits lecturer is really hot. I can’t help it, it is hard not to notice. She has the perfect nose. I particularly love its snub shape. I just can’t stop gazing at it. It is a very attractive nose considering it was natural in a world where everyone has a fake nose. It is refreshing. A young woman with a big brain who is also sexy and has a natural nose are pretty hard to come by. When I start gazing, I usually am in the zone, I don’t even blink, it is like looking at the weeping angels except in this scenario, you are delighted to do it and not scared. She has the perfect brown eyes, beautiful cheeks that show dimples when she smiles and turns purple when she blushes, her teeth are perfectly white, I think her eyebrows are tweezed, they are way too perfect, she has the perfect hairline and she is funny too. She is my only lecturer who does not put me to sleep. Her complexion is almost like the color of that chocolate that I buy every day, the one that is slowly making me start tasting like chocolate. It is specially designed for me.

This woman is God sent. I need to know her name and start attending all of her classes. I should not be taking digital circuits this semester but for her, I will do the stupidest things. I could get her to tutor me. All I need to do is terribly fail in my first test then go crying to her of how I have to do well so that I can make my parents proud of me. I will make myself available anytime for tutoring any time any day. I hope she picks the nights. I do have to make my parents proud of me while I gaze at the beautiful nose in the process.

The tutoring might not really help with my grades, I happen to be good at digital circuits. It just sounds nice to waste my time staring at this creature. A creature that seldom appears in my school. She is a sight for sore eyes. Visual nourishment I guess. There are very few pretty people in my class. I just happen to be one of the pretty ones. I am happy that finally there is one more yum yum lady and she stands in front of me four times a week. She just made school lovable.

I can’t wait for the tutoring to start. I have officially become a tactile learner (only for the tutoring). I am the kind of learner who easily understands with the help of physical contact. I hope this beautiful creature is going to embrace tactile learning. It is after all the only way that I can get A’s in her class and she will be proud of me. She will be proud of her tactile learner and she will get me a present and she will tutor me for the rest of her life as a

lecturer after seeing the importance of touch during the study. She will become my tactile lecturer and we will be the tactile duo.

Kyllan strongly disproves of my tactics and thinks I need to go back to therapy asap.

A little feeling….

Seeing you is always euphoric. You elicit all these feelings in me that I prefer to keep buried deep down where they can never be found. Feelings that occasionally show when I have drowned myself in a bit of alcohol and all the concrete and blocks that make my very highly erected walls shatter into tiny pieces. You send electric shivers down my spine and suddenly everything around me disappears and all I can see is you and you alone, all sound is lost to me and all my senses stop to work except for my eyes. Beauty personified is what you are. I would totally have you before I choose any drugs. Move over alcohol, a new love is in town. My loins get a little frothy and then I remember that I have to practice self-control and not jump on you and probably touch your will and then find a room to go to because both of us will be so horny. I first make a cheeky smile from ear to ear. Then I steal glances because I do not want you to catch me staring. All I can think of is kissing you over and over again and making love in the middle of the night while our friend is blacked out on the floor. We both hope he does not wake up while I am on top of you with my tits bouncing and I try so hard to suppress my moans while hoping that if this ever happens again, I will not have to suppress anything. I get high on the thought of me touching your abs, your hair and you running your fingers down my back.

I don’t even know if this will happen again but I am so happy right because, for the first time after a very long time, I felt something emotional. It’s good to be human again.

Charms that smite the simple heart

Insomnia again. I have gotten so much used to this. I might be starting to love it. There is this little high that you get when you are neither asleep nor awake. Yesterday, I almost got arrested by cops. I was going to spend my first night in jail. I would have written what I was doing but then I might just land myself into trouble in case a little sneaky snitch is reading this. Thanks to my multiple boyfriends, I wasn’t caught.

I have been feeling weird lately. Too weird in fact. A strikingly odd and unusual feeling. I could call myself namby-pamby. This feeling really really sucks. I have been stricken by charms that smite the simple heart.

When I said I wanted a new experience, I was joking. FML:-( It has ambushed me with daggers and spears, poking me from every direction. I feel so confused and attacks. I will die. Not real death, hypothetical death. This feeling is too strange. How do people survive this? It is like a hurricane …worse than a hurricane, extremely

violent with so much fury. I might need divine intervention to snap me out of this. If this is what wusses(I apologize for the use of this word) go through, I pity them. I feel like an insipid weakling who is foolishly sentimental. I need someone to slap me on my right cheek, then I can turn and give them my left cheek for them to slap too and then repeat the process again until I am back to my senses, If a slap doesn’t work, I could use an angry motherfucker. One who will punch the irresoluteness and wishy-washiness out of me.

I really hope this is a less than a 24-hour feeling. How did I start regarding someone with passionate and devoted affection? She technically has crawled into my favor. The one person in the world who can make me do anything without even asking. I have been struck by something overwhelming which is marked by my foolish and unreasoning fondness. I need help.

That was me six hours ago. I’m back to the normal me. I will be doing me from now on. It was good to know I got a heart though. Things like these happen once in a lifetime. Thanks, life, I need no new experiences. I’m kidding, I always kid. Just don’t return that feeling.

Unknown Variables

Well, ‘disordered in intellect’ could describe my current mental state. I feel totally unsound with all these screwball ideas happening in my head. All I wanted in life was to become a Russian spy and possibly learn how to strangle cats, but guess what, I could totally end up in a mental hospital.

I have been having instances of rapid strong heart pulsations. They get stronger by the second. All these are probably because I cannot stop deliberately thinking about this girl that I have all these feelings about making love with her, going on ice cream and pizza dates, watching movies on my couch and cooking for her. The fact that I am exercising my higher intellectual faculties on this is a revelation most perturbing. All I want to do is send her texts of the romantic and raunchy kind all day.

On the assumption that my mind is getting injured by these thoughts, I can infer that I will not be having relations of sexual nature any time soon. My mind is in a state of painful uneasiness over this just in case I like (I would like to imagine this is how I
refer to the feeling I am having) her more than she likes me.

I generally avoid getting close to people. The less attached I am, the less likely I am prone to yielding to grief or sorrow, the two human emotions that I really do not like. Is there surgery to get rid of that part of the brain that causes all these painful emotions, hmmm not really painful emotions, intense emotions is more like it.

What am I to do with these emotions. I need to get out of my brain. I might find some solace in Peter Griffin’s brain or perhaps Quagmire. I have officially decided not to text her for a while as an experiment so I can see what effect it will have on me.

What the fuck happened to me, I never used to get emotionally attached to anyone. I would have sex with someone, never talk to them until the next time I am in need of carnal relations. Between the penis and the vagina, in my case vagina and vagina, I did not understand where the heart fit in. My life was easier then. I never ever felt like I was losing my mind. Everything was perfect. There were no unknown variables.
I
s this what falling in love feels like? I don’t think so, I would say, I have fallen in like and I hate it. I feel like I am incapable of exercising any restraining or governing influence over my brain. My brain is holding me hostage. Finally, my crazy has beat rationality. I am definitely going crazy. Do you know the activities in the brain that happen when someone is in love are the same activities that happen when someone is going bananas?

I don’t understand all these. This is irrational. How does one person have so much influence on someone else moods? This girl could change my mood from that of Darth Vader to that of Spongebob Squarepants hanging out with Gary and Patrick and Squidward in his Pineapple in Bikini Bottom.

I do not know what to do with all these feelings. Should I tell her? Should I just stop talking to her and let all the feelings fade away? Perhaps I should find out if she likes me as much as I like her….and how does someone find out something like this? Word of mouth is definitely not sufficient. I hate my life at this very moment. I am going to hang myself with tissue paper and when the hanging does not work, perhaps I will try to swallow razor blades but then I will not do it because I am not fucking suicidal and also, that is a very painful way to die, also moving from tissue paper to razor blades, that is pretty extreme and my therapist would not approve.

 

The splits and Allie

I, unfortunately, cannot do the splits. I will not knowingly spread my legs to an 180-degree angle. It just feels dangerous. I don’t really subscribe to danger, you know, I am all into self-preservation and all and have to keep myself healthy for when I go to Mars with my lovely android Kyllan. Anyway, Kyllan would never agree to me doing the splits. I hardcoded that into his neural network. One split can cause a lot of wear and tear in my loins and that would not be good for me in any way. It is probably worse for men because they can just tear their balls right in the middle and all the sperm will be destroyed not to mention the excruciating pain. I cannot imagine the world without sperm. No more real babies. We might end up having to grow babies in labs. (Because of this fear, the president of the whole world soon issued an arrest warrant to any male that was caught doing or trying to do the splits and the punishment was life in jail where you will be taken care of very well so that no danger comes to either you or your balls until your death and if this proved difficult, your balls would be chopped off and given to someone that actually cares). I may not have balls but I love my loins and I need to take extremely good care of them. So, let us all say NO to the splits.

Meanwhile, I just got out of bed because I cannot fucking sleep. Sleep escapes me, playing a game of ‘hide and seek’, mostly hiding and rearing its head just once in a while, seduces me with kisses and just when I am about to fall, I find myself all alone and wondering where all that sweet sexy sleep disappeared to. I cannot feel it touch anymore. In a lot of ways, sleep to me is Cleopatra personified clad in red and six-inch heels. It is almost 0400 hours. Retarded mosquitoes are feasting on my alcohol filled blood (It was a memorable night for me before the mosquitoes happened). The little bastards must be having a blast with their mouths stuck deep into my supple skin.

I have been thinking for the past few minutes about Allie. Allie is this girl that I just realized I have a huge crush on, a bigger than Everest crush. I have known her for two whole years but I just recently shamefully started having all these thoughts about her that are three buses, a taxi, and a long walk away from clean. I used to have dirty thoughts about her best friend but she turned out to be very Heterosexual (yes, I absolutely mean it with the capital ‘H’). The last time I saw Allie, I kept staring when she wasn’t looking and whenever she was looking, I tried stealing furtive glances. I love stealing furtive glances and pretending that I was looking elsewhere as soon as I get caught. she had this blue shirt that made her look super sexy. She had really hot pants on too. I love her gait and I stare at her bouncy bum (that I would love to cup) and face a lot.

Allie is a really cool girl. She is hot too (always a bonus after smartness). I am not entirely sure if someone can be both of those at the same time. Being both cool and hot gets you out of the 1 to 10 scale because you definitely are 11 or above. Allie is probably at 15. She is very yum yum yum yum yum. I want to eat her. Perhaps I could just bite and leave it there, a little hickey does not hurt at all. Not in the Hannibal Lecter way, that would be creepy as hell. Eating her will land me in jail or in a mental asylum and I know so well I would not last a minute there before someone made me their bitch.

Sometimes, I turn into a sociopath when I like someone or have a crush on them or so my friends tell me. I always want to bump into Allie so I can hug her and feel her cushion like boobs on my chest. I have learned something very important from hugging Allie; she has ABS. I like ABS. I like my girls fit as hell. Oh Allie, why can’t you notice how crazy I am about you? I hear you like mysterious girls. I am mysterious. I got a fog machine under my bed. I bet you will love that. We can hang out in the fog together and watch Doctor Who and pretend that I am a Dalek and you are the Doctor and you show me mercy even though I am hell bent on exterminating you. You then override Davro’s programming and turn me into a good Dalek and we will travel the universe and get married in the Medusa Cascade and Captain Jack Harkness will cry as he pronounces us wife and wife. Just be my Time Lord already, my dear Allie.

I am currently gathering up all the courage I need and then I will be back to tell how I probably freaked out and turned super duper red then fainted  and woke up in a hospital bed with a broken heart condition caused by continuously disappointing myself because I am too scared to tell a girl that I like her and the tomato cheeks story will happen once again.

Tomato Cheeks

It is a beautiful, perfect, glorious day and I can’t stop myself from smiling from ear to that it is almost creepy. Too much pleasure. Too much amusement. I am thinking of all the upgrades I am going to give Kyllan before I start traveling with him. I have to make him the best travel companion. The best thing about him is that he does not fart and he cannot smell my farts and if he ever does, I will make sure his programming tells him that it is the best smell in the whole wide universe, he has to find it pleasant <emphasis on the word universe>. He will especially be useful on the days and nights that I choose to drink a lot of alcohol and I need help to go back to my room safe and sound. Kyllan does not drink but he can copy the state of being high and indulge drunkards. Also, I need him to look a lot more human and less robot-y. A very hot and sexy human.

I am just seated at the beach with my legs crossed watching random citizens do random things. Girls walking around with their jiggly butts. Boys trying to hit on them and failing terribly. Too many tits of all shapes and sizes. I would like to poke one with my finger. I wonder if it will feel exactly the same as a water filled balloon. I enjoy filling balloons with water and then just pretending that they are all boob’s and pressing them all day long. It is not fair that I am stuck with the boobs that I have. There are days when I wake up and all I want is to have small boobs and other days all I want is to have big boobs, other days I do not want boobs at all and some other days I would like two pairs of boobs especially when I am going to a place with no food. My four tits would provide me with milk.

Anyway, let’s go back to the beach. This beach is quite a lovely place and it got even lovelier when I saw the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world. I had never ever seen someone so beautiful. Oh my goodness, where did this one drop from. I was staring shamelessly. I had seen heaven. Where did this beautiful creature come from?

I started blushing and she had not even looked at me or noticed my existence. My beautiful creature looked at me for about one second and I blushed harder. My cheeks changed color from brown to pink to red. I could feel them turning red. They were quite hot and looked like ripe tomatoes. I could feel the rest of my body going numb. I could not move. I could not stop blushing. Blood was slowly leaving the rest of my body parts and moving to my beautiful cheeks. The size of my cheeks getting bigger every second. They were getting rounder and growing larger further and further away from my face. Round ripe tomatoes stuck to my cheeks is what it looked like except these were not ripe tomatoes they were actually my cheeks. They were starting to get heavy. If I tried poking them, they would burst. I was starting to look like an alien. With my eyes open so wide, I definitely qualified as an alien. My alien race could be called the ‘Tomato Cheek’ race. My whole body had stopped responding to anything else. At this point, my cheeks were squeezing my lips too tight and unfortunately, my tongue was hanging outside of my mouth as I had forgotten to return it inside my mouth when I was busy marveling at this beautiful creature.

I blushed so so hard.

All my blood concentrated on my cheeks, the rest of my body had become bloodless.
While struggling to move the rest of my body which was proving difficult, a bee stung my tongue. Now my hanging tongue was starting to swell. “Oh shite!” Those were my last words, and they did not even sound like they should.

An ambulance was called.
I must have fainted because I woke in an ambulance with a needle injected into my cheeks and another needle into a vein in my hand and tube in between the two needles. They were returning blood to the other parts of my body and the size of my cheeks was reducing. They felt less heavy. Now I only had my tongue to worry about.

Who knew that beautiful creatures could be hazardous too!!