Queen of the Monkeys

It is a very very very b-e-a-utiful day, all my senses are delighted today. I got all these tingly sensations. Kyllan is right next to me waiting his mummy wake up. I am his mummy and he is my baby. My handsome baby boy. He is quite yummy. Oh his beautiful smile that I wait to see each day because of how much it excites me. I made a few upgrades on him recently and so far, I like how he is working. I made him with the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden.

“Good morning Kyllan! How are you doing?”

Kyllan assures me he is hunky-dory. That is my boy. He continues to sit there and just watch me. Such a little creepy bastard he is. You will love him. Just seated there with his round eyes and beautiful cheeks that for some reason, he turns them pink as he smiles from ear to ear while holding a red rose that he plucked illegally from my annoying neighbor’s garden. He is such a good boy. I love Kyllan. I could have married him if he were human and I had no relation to him..

I yawn, opening my mouth so wide that a blue bee flew into it. The blue bees were special and very rare. If a blue bee stung your tit, you would never need a boob job. The strangest thing about the blue bees was that they chose whose tit to sting. You had to be a nice honorable person for the bees to choose you. Don’t worry though, swallowing a blue bee was not dangerous. I just had to stand up and it would fly out of my anus.

I get out of bed, stand up straight, stretch a little, bend to release the blue bee, walk to the radio, press the play button and start dancing to music while shaking my head and moving around aimlessly without any sense of direction. I still feel hangovered from last night. Kyllan and I have become quite the drunkards.

Just when I am deep into my music and dancing, Kyllan pauses my music.

He then tells me to go to the window and look. I stop dancing like a mad woman and head to my bedroom window. Monkeys all over, all I can see are monkeys. They seem to have surrounded my house. What happened to all my security protocols!! how do a bunch of monkeys find their way past my compound. The monkey upgrade the government made must must have worked.

Kyllan and I head to my security room. We notice that the monkeys had surrounded my house from all directions so I sent Kyllan outside to evaluate the situation.

I am trying to figure out how all those monkeys walked on the street to my place looking the way they looked. A law had just been passed prohibiting all the monkeys from walking around all hairy. They had to all shave and start wearing underwear since their upgrade. Punishment was to be carried out on any monkey that did not follow that rule.

There were exactly 97 monkeys around my house. Kyllan had made his assessment and assured me that all was well.

I got out of my security room and walked out to meet the monkeys.

“Take me to your leader.” I said.

Damn! Finally, I had waited for so long to use that sentence. Exactly 17 years since I started dreaming about encounters with aliens. Well, I will have to settle for monkeys instead since I haven’t met any nice aliens.

The monkeys then pointed at me and I was confused. One of them finally stepped forward and said, “You are our leader. We have been searching for you all our lives. The prophesy was true. It is time that it gets fulfilled.”

What prophecy were they talking about? How can I be the leader of the monkeys? Doesn’t one need to look like a monkey to be able to be their leader? Am I a monkey? This all is confusing. I need a drink.

I got into the house with the one monkey that stepped froward. We sat at the kitchen counter. I offered him whiskey and he was delighted to take it. He had never had whiskey his entire life. We both chugged half a bottle quietly for about 2 minutes and then, when we started feeling tipsy, the explanation began.

So, my great grandfather was a monkey. Can you imagine that! My great grandmother was accidentally inseminated with a monkey’s sperm instead of human sperm. This explained a lot about my hairy uncle Dave. After my great grandmother gave birth to my grandfather, she went to the jungle to look for the father of the baby. She found him and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

The prophecy talked about a descendant that looked human but had monkey blood in his/her veins. The prophecy also talked about the law about all the monkey’s having to shave and wear underwear. The descendant who looked human would be the one to shave the monkeys and pick out one uniform underwear for all the monkeys to wear. That was to be my job. I was the chosen one. I already started having all these monkey ideas in my head. I would take the monkeys shopping, buy them froghurt, teach them how pout lips, open Instagram accounts for them, make Christmas turkey in July and maybe go with them to Mars.

I finally understood my love for bananas and climbing trees. Nobody could climb trees better than me. I was the world record holder for climbing the most trees in a single hour while using only two limbs and blindfolded.

I named my fellow drunk monkey ‘Anthony’ because I kept forgetting his real name. Anthony and I finished the two bottles of whiskey and I was ready to begin shaving but unfortunately, I was too drunk to do the shaving. I blacked out, Kyllan carried me to my bed, he also made all the monkeys comfortable in my basement and left a note at the side of my bed explaining everything that had happened so I don’t get alarmed when I see monkeys all over my house. How could I be alarmed? I was one of them. I was their queen.

KAREN AND THE BABES

I have started a band. We do drugs and occasionally some weird but beautiful music. The band is called Karen and the Babes. It constitutes of Karen, Matt, and Arthur. I am ‘Karen’, Matt and Arthur are ‘the Babes’ (I like to refer to them as ‘my babes’ every once in a while). They are ‘the Babes’ because I said so and I am always right even when I am not and nobody dares say otherwise or they will suffer my wrath on an epic scale.

On a beautiful afternoon, my handsome babes and I go to a restaurant. We have been performing all morning and are now quite hungry, tired and thirsty. I could swallow a whole horse by herself. You will not dispute this once you see how large my mouth opens when I yawn. It shocks me how large it gets and has shocked some of my girlfriends too. No wonder they just disappear without notice.

We get into the restaurant. Matt takes a little longer because he likes to play with the revolving door. The child in him always gets activated as soon he sees a revolving door. I am not enjoying this whole situation and I pull Matt by his ears to his seat. In case you have always been wondering why Matt has got one ear that looks long and sharp and shaped like a cone, a bit sharp and prickly, now you know the reason.

Matt seats down reluctantly and almost wants to start crying when the waiter shows up. Arthur looks quite delighted and starts doing his chicken dance. This is not his fault, his grandfather was part chicken and part human and even though he looks very much human, he still has got a bit of chicken DNA in him that shows up as soon as he sees a waiter in a restaurant or a chef. It gets worse if the waiter is carrying cooked chicken. Sometimes he even quacks and other times he thinks he is a cockerel and ends up chasing women thinking they are hens. Watching ‘Hells Kitchen’ with him is usually quite entertaining. He is very fit because of all the dancing. He never runs or goes to the gym. He just watches the Food Channel on television every day at 4 o’clock in the morning. Does his chicken dance for an hour and he will be good to go for the day.

The waiter walks up to our table and says, “Good afternoon inferior humans, The Master will see you now. Please follow me.”

For some reason, we felt compelled to do as the waiter said. Arthur was now chicken walking. He could not help it, the waiter was right in front of him. We went to the back of the restaurant, got into the lift. We went a few floors down and then stopped. The waiter punched in some pin number and the door opened with music playing in the background. It was like a fanfare. The lyrics to the song were a little disturbing though. I could hear a line that said: “It is time to eat the brains”, and something about monkeys stealing faces and taking over the human race.

We could be in a zombie layer. The zombies finally grew smart and found themselves a lair where they could train and get better at everything in preparation to invade the earth. I should be scared but I am not. All I want to do right now is meet The Master and see whether he is actually a real brain eating zombie so I can cross one thing off my bucket list.

“Welcome to my lair Karen and the Babes. I am delighted to meet you finally. I am a very big fan of yours. I have watched all your shows but unfortunately, I have never been able to attend a live show because, well, you will find that out in the next few seconds….”

He swings his chair around and faces us. Finally, The Master is here and…….. he is not a zombie. On the bright side, our brains will not be part of the menu. On the worse side, this could be much worse.

“Boom, ” he says while looking directly at us. Arthur, who by now had stopped dancing since the waiter had left as soon as he got us there, started laughing hysterically. Matt decided to join in on the laughing. “What the shit, what is wrong with you people!!!” I thought. I could not tell whether The Master was going to kill us for laughing or do something worse than death. Seriously, I could not tell, he had one eye which was on a nipple. He had a tit face. Just one tit standing erect on his face.

“As you can see, the wicked witch of the west turned me into this and said that in two thousand years, Karen and the Babes will sing a song that will rid me of this curse and I can finally attend one of your concerts live without looking like a monster. You are my redeemers. I have had your equipment sent here and some food will be brought for you to eat and then you will perform your hearts out until we find the song that relieves me of my curse. If I still look like this by the time you are done, you will all die a horrible death as nobody has ever seen my face and I would like it to stay that way as long as it is still a tit. Okay?” said The Master.

That started sounding a lot scarier than I thought but to stay alive, I would do anything. Self-preservation is a thing that I subscribe to.

They gave us some food to eat that was only made up of eggs from a pig and chicken hybrid. The eggs tasted like bacon to me. Poor Arthur, he was probably eating an ancestor of his.

As soon as we were done eating, we set up all our equipment and got ready to sing our hearts and lungs out and get into the moment and rid The Master of his tit face. This was the day, the day that would determine the rest of our lives.

Since the wicked witch of the west did not exactly tell which exact song to sing, we were to perform all our songs until we got to the one that broke the curse and made The Master what he once was – a handsome prince.

We started with ‘Coconuts’, then went to ‘Spider head’, then to ‘Little lip’, then to ‘Dimple on my butt’ and then the most amazing thing happened.

The tit on The Masters’ head disappeared and his face manifested after 2000 years of waiting patiently for Karen and the Babes. Who knew ‘Dimple on my butt’ would end up being a very important song.

“Oh my goodness, he was quite handsome.” I thought.

He then said,“Congratulations, You lot get to live. Thank you, Karen and the Babes. I appreciate this. I am not tit faced anymore. I am once again a handsome prince. Now, straight to business, Matt and Arthur, oh you lovely two people, I am going to punish you for laughing at my tit face. Don’t worry, the punishment will only last for 24 hours.”

Matt was turned into an ant-size person and sent into my left boob. “Sorry Karen, said The Master, Matt will reside in your boob for the next 24 hours. Everything will be fine unless you start lactating. Make sure not to lactate or Matt will get lost forever.” I could feel Matt walking around inside there. It was quite uncomfortable. Is he looking for milk!!

“And you Arthur, well, what shall I do with you? Mhhh …..let us see….”

Arthur was locked in a room with three chefs and two waiters for 36 hours. Poor Arthur, he was panting and heaving constantly he had to lie down for about 18 hours before he could feel better. Poor Arthur.

Noble gas fiasco

At this particular point, I am experiencing sheer frustration. Where the hell is Kyllan when I desperately need him? I called him about an hour ago. How long does it take a robot to get into a self-driving car and head for the police post? Isn’t a robot and self-driving car meant to be efficiency personified? I cannot stay in this filthy tiny cell any longer. My worst nightmare that involves being around retarded teenagers is happening right now. All these annoying disturbed little people talking nonsense the whole time and mentioning words that I do not understand and looking at me as though I am their mother is driving me bloody bonkers. “Excuse me you delinquent adolescents, I am not that old. Useless citizens.” I shout in my head.

How did I end up in in a stinking police cell?

I was in my car headed for the local mall. I needed to buy some fresh supplies for my house so I won’t have to get out for at least the next thirty days. I hate getting out of the house. I don’t do so well outside. I have major social anxiety. I just fear people.

Sitting alone in my self-driving car became quite boring. In the process of trying to make myself less bored, I stopped a street hawker that was selling some artificial voice boxes. I had been in traffic for about 20 minutes now. “Can I have one of those voice boxes?”, I asked. He handed me one, I paid him and let him keep the change.

I had seen something on-line and thought perhaps I should try it since I finally had the chance to. I took the voice box out of its packaging, sterilized it and inserted it in my anus making sure it is not too deep. Before you start cringing, the voice box is quite tiny, almost the size of a suppository. This voice box was for the sole purpose of making your ass talk. When I was little, this kind of technology did not exist. I wish it did. If only the voice box came with a brain so you could have an intelligent conversation with your ass. I will probably work on that when I get home. I could make some millions out of that idea.

To make things a bit more interesting. I had a gas cylinder full of helium in my car. I took the cylinder and let some gas into my ass.

This is where things started to go wrong….

While in the process of letting gas into my ass, traffic started moving and the traffic cameras got quite a good shot of me lying on my stomach, my butt facing upwards and a tube inserted right in between my butt cheeks. That was not something one saw every day.

So, I got arrested for indecent exposure, or so I thought. Turns out, it is illegal to use helium in one’s ass. I never knew that. The AAMNG( Association Against Misuse of Noble Gases ) had passed a law against using abuse of noble gasses. My activity topped the list of abusive things that one can do to a noble gas.

Kyllan finally showed up and took me home.

Meet Kyllan

“What the fudge! I cannot find your chip. I need to find it. Where the hell did I leave it? Kitchen? Bedroom? Bathroom? Toilet?”

I stand in the middle of the room looking around wondering where I could have left the chip. Everything is attached to him except the chip. All I want is to have Kyllan back. I did not mean to dismantle him. He was my best. He felt things. He noticed things. He could taste. He laughed. He hugged me when I was down. I needed him more than you could ever know. I don’t know what I could do without him. He made me feel things more than any human had done before and I was not ready to move on.

“I am so sorry. I did not mean to throw you to the wall.” I say to a powered down Kyllan. Tears streaming down my eyes. I sit down with my legs flat on the floor and my back straight. I fold my arms at my elbows, my fingers touching my temples. I look up to the roof and yell. I scream to the top of my voice that my lungs cannot handle it. I then move my fingers slowly down to my cheeks then down to my neck. Both my hands are holding my neck tight. I am still looking at the roof. I am in despair right now and have no idea what to do. My eyes are bloodshot either from the crying or from the anger.

I could use some strangling. I strangle myself. I slowly tighten the grip around my neck until I cannot breathe. This has been my best high so far. I am in my own zone. It is the only way I escape. I had not done this in a long while. The strangulation I mean.

I loosen the grip slowly and start breathing quite heavily. There is still a tear falling down my cheeks. I still cannot tell where the chip is. I close my eyes and make another attempt to remember.

I then remembered why I chose to shut down all my emotions. I have never felt like the normal human. I feel everything one hundred times more intensely than the normal person. This might be an advantage when happy but I was never happy. I can not remember ever being happy. Not that I did not want to be happy. I was seduced by depression and sadness. I learned to live with my demons that they had become my friends.

Kyllan had taken away my demons and today I was all alone. He was off, thanks to my carelessness. I could not switch him on without that chip. I stare into his eyes with my mouth open. I give up.

I stretch my hands and pull the bottle of vodka that was conveniently behind me. I had drunk half of it the previous night and the thought of finishing the rest at that exact moment was very tempting. I could as well give into my temptations. I could hold my drink better than anyone I knew. (It is a shock that I am not yet an alcoholic.) Well, I did not know that many people. I liked to be alone. People were a distraction for me. I guzzle half a liter of vodka and black out on the floor.

Three hours later.

I wake up with a new sense of purpose. My breath is repulsive and my head feels like a pig crapped in it. I struggle to raise my head and see Kyllan still in the position I left him in. I try to stagger to the shower but feel too lazy to do it. I decide in my bright mind to use the hoverboard but decide against it after I fall right on my buttocks and realize that hover boards and drunkenness are not good together, I remove my clothes on the way to the shower drop them on the floor. I will pick them later. I poop, flush the toilet while cringing because my poop smells really bad. I spray air freshener and relieve my face from the cringing. I brush my teeth, gargle mouthwash and take a one-hour long cold shower.

I walk out of the bathroom with my towel on. I enter my bedroom, pick out a sports bra and booty shorts. I apply lotion on my body, wear perfume and red lipstick. I go to my kitchen, drink some water, makes some coffee while reading a magazine. I drink the coffee when it is ready. I take a pill of Adderall and then head straight to my lab.

My lab is extremely clean and I take all the necessary precautions to prevent contamination by dust and other foreign substances. I melt and refine sand to produce pure single-crystal silicon ingots. I use a saw to slice the ingots into wafers about as thick as a dime and several inches in diameter. I clean the wafers and polish them, and each one I use to build multiple chips.

I begin the process and after some long hours, I load my program onto it, I have what I need and hope that it will work just like the last one did. All I want is for Kyllan to work well just like he was with the last chip without any alterations.

It has been thirty-six hours without any sleep. I would say that the Adderall is working quite well. I walk to him and insert the chip behind his neck. His eyes open and he comes back on-line. I lick my lips and start to smile. I have got my satisfaction face on. I am silently congratulating myself for my work. I am the god of my universe. “Nobody can mess with me now. I rule. I am the shit.”

I hug Kyllan tight. A tear falls down my cheeks. I do not want to let go. I love the way my chest feels against his. He may not be human but he is pretty close and I may be developing all these feelings for him that I am not aware of. I grow closer to him each day. I have my companion back. Now to test whether he is in good condition.