Rat incubator.

“It’s not really a fly. If you swat it, they’ll just find you and send two more.”

I wish I knew that before I chose to land on this freak show of a planet. I just could not resist. It was so ethereal. Aside from Earth, it was the second most beautiful planet I had ever set my eyes upon. It was shiny, made of diamonds. I had to land for a bit and take in the scenery. Absolutely gorgeous.

After landing safely, I got out, scanned the air. It was safe to breathe so I removed my suit and decided to hang around naked with Kyllan serving me a drink. While I was enjoying my drink, a fly landed on my thigh, I swat it and with my huge hands. This was very disgusting. A few seconds later, there were two flies on my thighs. I swat them too. A few seconds later, there were four flies on my thighs. I swat the fucking flies like a boss. Mmm, where the fuck are these flies coming from? They kept increasing and increasing. In a minute, I had flown all over my body. It was quite uncomfortable considering they were right on my skin. I could feel their legs moving all over my body. What the hell was going on?

Kyllan was being quite useless. He pretty vexed that I came here against his counsel. The perverted robot was persistently gazing at me. What was he looking at that he hadn’t already seen??

“Dial down on the perversion your little piece of shit and then get these flies off my body.” I basically screamed at Kyllan. He got into the ship to get a swatter. He got back ready to start swatting when we heard someone shouting at us that we should stop.

Looking to see where the sound came from, I saw this very beautiful lady walking towards me. “Those are my flies and you are hurting them. You hurt them, you hurt me. Kindly stop.” The beautiful lady says. Kyllan puts the swatter down.

“Get me some clothes Kyllan?” I say.

“No need for that, I have seen everything I need to see. I am Shtooopf. What’s your name?” She asks.

“I am Girl,” I say.

Shtooopf shakes both my hands by squeezing them in between her gigantic palms.

I wake up with a devilish headache. With great effort, I struggle to raise my head just so I can look around. It feels like pigs are running around and crapping in my head. Where the fuck is Kyllan!! I am lying on my back and I can’t see anything in front of me. I also can’t raise myself. “KYLLAN” I try shouting but no voice comes out.

“You need to relax. A few minutes now and it will all be over. One more hour and the 36 hours will be over.”

I turn to my left to see who said those words. Jesus Christ! It’s a fucking rat. A rat is talking to me!! What’s going on!! Why are my legs being spread!! Why can’t I speak!! Holy shit! The mountain blocking my view is my stomach. Why is this rat telling me to breathe!! Why can’t I pass out!! I really want to pass out now and wake up in my ship without any recollection of this. What have they done to me!! A tear drops down my right eye to my temple than to the floor.

The size of my stomach seems to be reducing. After some time, my stomach is flat again. That lady… The beautiful lady, Shtooopf, I remember her clearly because all I wanted to do was bone her. She comes up to me and thanks me for saving a species. I don’t care what planet that was, those were rats, they looked like rats. Since when did rats have their own planet!! Are rats Aliens?? This is totally bonkers. I just have birth to a million rats on a diamond planet.

Those flies were basically implanting rat sperms in me. They call it pollination. They had to borrow my body because I was the only compatible fertile traveller that had passed by that planet in a long while. A natural disaster had turned all the existing rats sterile and they could not reproduce. Shtooopf was there as the nanny. She would take care of all the kids that I just birthed.

I just saved a species from extinction. That’s kind of dope. No more random stops though. I hope they took out all their rats.

“Please take me back to my ship and return my robot.” That was all I could say.

Lost tits

So, I wake up in my college dorm bathroom. The only light is that filtering through the filmy windows high above the showers. I am alone. I try the door, only to find myself locked in. Then I realize that it’s the first morning of Thanksgiving break, and since the dorms were cleared out and locked, I am stuck for the next four days.

Fuck fucks fuck. I gotta stop cursing because this is not helping. How did I even end up in the bathroom?? I really can’t remember anything from last night. It must have been a bonkers night. My head feels like a pig crapped in it.

What to do, what to do, what to do!!

Mmmh! I feel my phone in my pockets. Thank goodness I still got it. I dial Kyllan so he can figure out how to solve my small problem. I cannot stay hungry for four days. I can barely last 8 hours without food.

Tits tits tits. I could play with my tits as I wait for Kyllan. Shit! My tits are missing. Where the fuck are my tits? I remember having them before going to the party last night. Shit, the last time I lost my tits, I had willingly given then to the disk jockey because I really enjoyed the music he was playing and thought my tits would make the perfect reward. Thankfully, he returned them the next day as soon as I sobered up. What a nice lad he was. That could have gone so badly with me ending up in jail for sexual harassment. Who knew a day would come when sexually harassed men would get the justice they deserve. The world is indeed getting better.

This is the worst time to lose my tits. What will I tell my boyfriend? He told me to leave my tits with him so I don’t lose them. Looks like I was too overconfident with my idea of responsible drinking. Shit! At least I got four days to come up with the best excuse as to why I do not have my tits.

What if I gave them to a stranger? They could be somewhere milking the hell out my tits, or even worse, they could be suckling directly from my nipples. Oh no! My nipples could come back shriveled. Eeew, I cannot think about this right now.

“Please don’t!” I scream in my head. My fifth horseman of the apocalypse (paranoia) has reared its head. I can’t think of anything else other than my lost tits now. Looks like he is followed by his dear friend anxiety. I really need Kyllan right about now.

What if my tits get sold on the black market? I cannot walk around tit-less and I do not want to get new tits. I should send Kyllan to the tit auction just in case they will be there.

My threesome with paranoia and anxiety is interrupted with a phone call. Kyllan is here with some Pym particles. He passes them through the window, I shrink and walk out through the window. I unshrink and hug Kyllan for saving the day once again. Thank goodness he is a robot or else he would have been tired of me already.

“Here are your tits ma’am.” Those were the best five words I had heard in a really long time. Turns out, Kyllan had my tits tracked and the moment I separated from them, he noticed and went to collect them from some dairy farmers who were already prepping them for milking. I love you Kyllan.

Time to find my man and probably not tell him what happened.

Strangers

I love strangers. Strangers are just peculiar people, very very very strange homo-sapiens. Some of them look like very aggressive and violent criminals with scars on their faces and biceps and triceps made of solid iron with bloodshot eyes in the entire universe probably because they are sick and their situation has nothing to do with illegal drugs and these rabbit-like ears that make you just want to peg them on a hanging line with the biggest lips that Jay-z has nothing on them yet they are the most non-aggressive and non-violent criminals. They are good criminals. They will politely ask to rob you and when you do not agree to that, they will walk away and wish you a very nice day. They use words like please, excuse me, I am sorry. “Excuse me miss. I am so sorry that I have to do this but I would like to relieve you off most of your money. If you would please, I will now show you this very empty gun of mine so that you can feel just a little bit frightened with the whole situation and take me a little bit more seriously. Sorry for my bad behavior. Can I walk you home so this does not happen to you twice?”
Others look like bank managers or presidents or congressmen but they are actually real thugs. They drive the best cars and live the most lavish lives buy they are the worst. They will take advantage of anyone that has a salary and they will tell you how taking a loan will be good for you. The idea becomes so seductive that you forget how repulsive it is to live in debt.

Others poke your butt randomly because they are perverts. “I am really bored today. What to do. What to do. This lunch break is so boring. Where is Stacey the hot secretary? She and I had a really good time during the office Christmas party. Oh, there she is. I will charge towards her with my middle finger and make sure it lands right in the middle of her squishy right butt. I say her right butt because her left one is surprisingly really hard. I had to put my legs in a certain position while performing coitus because continuously ramming into her left butt was causing bruises on my lovely thighs.” Who does not enjoy the company of a good old pervert? There is just something I admire about perverts. I do not know what exactly it is. The ability to add sexual innuendo to the most innocent of things is quite genius, don’t you think?

Others eat female genitalia like vegetables because they think female genitalia is vegetables. “Vegetables are good for you,” mom said. Oh mum, I now see what you meant when I was little. I bet all those boyfriends of-of yours –eeew why the fuck am I even thinking about this, this is disgusting, I am such a loser, I might never have sex ever again. Shit. Oh No, I need my therapist. How will I recover from this? I cannot get this picture out of my freaking head.

Others are fat because they eat a lot of piglets and walk too little. If they walk too much, they will definitely die a horrible death [DEATH FROM WALKING]. Fat is somehow (I fail to see how) an insulting word but who cares(I know I fucking don’t). Why is it even an insulting word? Can someone explain this to me? Babies are fat little things though (I fear babies though, they usually look cute but a fucking manipulators and when they start crying, I never know what to do but yell louder than them. This trick has always shut up wee bastards), and if you have a thin baby, take her to the hospital because something is definitely wrong. Nobody likes a thin baby. In fact, when I become president, all mothers with thin babies will be arrested.

Others have sexually transmitted diseases because they are just proud whores or they had carnal relations with a whore. I would love to meet one that went mad because of syphilis. Man, sex isn’t really a joke and these STDs do not mess at all. If I was an STD and you were a whore, I would become immune to all the drugs you receive and make sure that you are always itching thus improving my living conditions. You would never be able to go out in public because your hands will always be consoling your private parts. The good part of this story is that I am not a fucking STD. Let us cheers to that with a bottle of whiskey and then drink ourselves silly and probably wake up in a ditch somewhere without our clothes and afterward get arrested for indecent exposure. I was arrested once and I made some really good prostitute friends while in the jail cell. The point is, Do not mess with me, I was once in prison. Talking about good people getting STDs from whores, the whole situation is a tad bit unfortunate. There is really no way to tell if someone is a whore. Is it possible to be a whore and be a lady at the same time? Are there ratchet people that are not whores. I really do not care though. Be a lady whore, I do not give a shit.

Others have boobs because they are fat men. I will stop there.

Others have boobs because they are women. All women have boobs though so this is redundant.

Others have boobs and balls because they were once men but now are men with boobs and estrogen instead of testosterone (If I touched or suckled a nipple or two nipples or three nipples, will the penis obey and rise up to the occasion till it reaches a perpendicular position? Mmh, this is exciting. I have got to try this out).

Others are stupid because it just runs in the family and is not their fault. Never blame someone for being stupid until you see their whole family lineage. For all we know, it could be their ancestors’ fault.

Others talk a lot because they have big mouths. You could stuff three billiard balls in their mouths and there would still be plenty of space. Imagine the gag reflex that comes with that mouth. I am sure you agree with me if you got a long big dick. (I hope my mother never gets to read this book. I am currently disappointing her. I can feel it in my fingers and my bones. I hear her voice calling me a loser. –Yes, I hear voices and I enjoy sometimes. I wrote this book thanks to a voice in my head, his name is Tweedles. This book is definitely a tribute to Tweedles.)

Others do plastic surgery so they can have Jay-Z’s lips. I have no comment on this.

Others have fingers that smell like fish because they spend most of their time in the female genitalia. Seriously, they are professional fingerers. It is quite a lucrative business. I wonder what they are usually looking for and if they ever find it. Most of their clients usually have rings lost up in there and some have bangles lost in there (if you are into fisting and that kind of shebang). Someone once lost a condom up there and I know who it is.

Others get tattoos and piercings because they are into sadomasochism. “Physical pain is the shit”, she said, “I love the pain”, she said. She then started laughing maniacally and said, “Hiding real pain.”

Others become doctors because they like to insert needles into and cut people. They
just like to pierce and cut people. It is the closest thing to becoming a human butcher. Well, doctors are the best. What would we do without them and all their god-complex? “I am a doctor. I am the closest thing to god. I could be a god. Without me, you will die.” Well, I am not mocking, only quoting an unnamed source and 80% of that statement is true. We neither need honesty nor humility. Be a dick, you have every right to be, after all, you are next to god. Work hard, become good at what you do, boast about it, be a dick about, nobody will like you but they will always kiss your ass because you can perform miracles.

Others like to interrupt people because they are Kanye West.

Others are pregnant because they had unprotected sex and then there was a union of male and female gametes and after nine months, a little crying, naked person without any teeth are pulled out of the lower part of the female reproductive tract. It is quite disgusting I reckon. I have never done it but I cannot imagine my vagina
opening that wide, wide enough for my head to fit in.

A dozen stupid cats

It was quite a beautiful view. The cold was a bit much but the view more than made up for it. I was on holiday and decided to go mountain climbing, do something out of my comfort zone so I can stop feeling like a piece of shit and it totally worked. After climbing the mountain, I really felt like I could conquer the whole world.

I decided to take a short break so that I could enjoy the view and take some really cool pictures that I would never stop talking about and eventually drive my family crazy about it that they all stop talking to me. While enjoying my break, I heard a meow. Then another meow and another one and another one. Now I was getting really concerned. I started walking towards the meows.

I found the meows behind a cliff. It was a dozen cats and they all looked like they were in tremendous pain. I had no idea what I should do. I put down my bag and looked for my cat translator so that we could understand each other. Bingo, I found the translator.

I then asked the cats what exactly was going on and here is what they told me.

“We had been invited to this party by this rat that we had been friends with for a while. He had gotten a new job and wanted to celebrate his new found source of wealth. When we got there, we were treated to some really sweet cocktails of which he refused to give us the recipe. That did not stop us from drinking. We weren’t getting high fast enough so we decided to pop some pills given to us by our dear rat friend. The pills definitely worked. We were on cloud nine, totally euphoric and feeling like we can conquer the world. We were so so high that we did not notice when all the doors got shut and nobody else was left in the room except us and the rat. At this point, the rat was looking very very handsome. Well, we woke up in the morning in our houses wondering how we got there but we were just happy to be there. After one month, we all start feeling a little sick. We go to the hospital to get tested. They find out that we are all pregnant. We do an ultrasound and we are all pregnant with a hybrid of a cat and a rat. We left the hospital and headed to the rat’s house while very angry. When we explained to him what was going on in our bodies, he put us into a jet and dropped us here to die. ”

That was a very shitty situation. At that moment, I realized what my destiny was. I am here to save these stupid cats that were raped by a rat and are probably pregnant with monsters. Let’s face, a cat and a rat together is definitely not a pretty sight. How will they explain to their children that their dad is a rat and that they cannot eat him??

I called Kyllan, gave him my location and had him show up with my helicopter to carry those cats to safety. As usual, my lovely Kyllan showed up in time, did some first aid on the dozen morons and we left the mountain and headed home. I nursed the cats, despite having no skills at this, until they gave birth and after seeing how ugly their babies were, they decided to eat them.

Meanwhile, Kyllan searched everywhere for the rapist rat and when he found the rat, he arrested him and gave him to the cats to decide what to do with him.

One week later, all those cats had fallen victim to the rat’s charms again and married him. The fucking rat had 12 wife cats and they even invited me to the wedding and told me I could bring other humans. Well, I hope they will live happily ever after.

I almost killed Adolh Fitler

I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.

I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.

“…..now Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”

I had to clear my throat.

“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”

It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,

“Hello, is it me you are looking for.

I can see it in your smile…

You are all I’ve ever wanted…..

And my arms are open wide….

Cause you know just what to say…

And you know just what to do….

And I want to tell you so much….

I love you….”

Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.

Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.

Coup de theatre

I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.

I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.

I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.

This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.

Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.

I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.

BADOING………

Things that make my boobs go BADOING.

1. When my girlfriend bites her lips, BADOING.
2. When we eat bananas, DOUBLE BADOING.
3. When I touch soft skin, BADOING.
4. When my tit is poked in a fraction of a second using the pinky, DOUBLE BADOING.
5. When I lie on my back topless and poke the sides of my boobs and watch them sway back and forth, BADOING.
6. When I rest a bowl of cheese noodles on them, BADOING.
7. When I jump up and down, TRIPLE BADOING.
8. When I spray perfume on them, BADOING.
9. When I prop a book upon them to read, INTELLECTUAL BADOING.
10. When I stare at them, BADOING.
11. When I acknowledge my nipples, BADOING.
12. When I draw circles between each boob and a line in between and put her face on them like they are glasses, BADOING.
13. When I paint my girlfriend’s many faces on them boobies, BADOING.
14. When I fill balloons with water and make them fight to the death with the balloons. The winning boob/balloon gets to be caressed, DOUBLE BADOING SQUARED.
15. When I bounce a yo-yo off them boobies, DOUBLE BADOING.
16. When she licks a lollipop, BADOING.
17. When she winks at me, BADOING.
18. When we hold hands, DOUBLE BADOING.
19. When I watch a horror film, BADOING.
20. When I walk in the rain, BADOING.
21. When my alarm goes off, BADOING.
22. When my song comes on, BADOING.
23. When she is next to me, BADOING.
24. When I walk into the rain, BADOING.
25. When my phone rings and it is you, DOUBLE BADOING.
26. When we poke each other’s noses, BADOING.
27. When you pretend to steal my nipple and I have to chase you to get it back, DOUBLE BADOING BADOING.

Solving a mystery

My old lady used to tell me, “Do not play with boys, they will make you pregnant.” My boobs were still only but pecks. I was 11 years old and far from learning about the reproductive system in school. I needed a reference book to find out what being pregnant meant. I also wanted to know the name of this game that I was clearly being forbidden from playing. Being about to produce new life is what my dictionary told me about being pregnant. I looked up the word produce. To bring forward. So, being pregnant meant to bring forward new life. Bringing forward a living being.

I did further research on pregnant. I saw a picture of a woman with a big stomach, a really big stomach. I had seen women with stomachs like that before. My Dad told me that they were fat. They were fat because they had been fed a lot of special protein. When I asked with whom, he would say their loving husbands. I wondered why he didn’t feed my Mum with special proteins that made women very fat only in the stomach area.

I deduced that pregnancy is a condition caused by special protein given to a woman by her husband. I started to wonder where the special protein was found. I would buy the protein,
eat it, and then be pregnant. The pregnant women did have beautiful faces. After all, I would only be fat for a few months. The protein had a lifespan of nine months. I then noticed most women would stop being fat after one day of going to a hospital. What really happened in the hospital? The women then showed up with babies. I couldn’t connect the protein to babies.

This thought disturbed me for a while until I came up with my own theories.

The hospital definitely had a manufacturing plant that converted the protein into babies. No…this theory didn’t make any sense as my old lady had told me that babies are dropped from the sky.

Here is my second theory which is about the sky man….
The Sky Man who was dropping the babies must have had perfect aim. I mean …all the babies he threw fell in hospitals only and they were thrown to the protein ladies only. It then dawned on me that the fat protein filled stomach was to act as a shock absorber for the thrown babies in case they landed too hard which was often the case. After a few bounces, the protein stomach disappeared. The mother would then hold the baby in her hands, then do pinchification ( a process that involved pinching the baby to make it yell and then stick a tit in its toothless mouth in order to transfer your DNA to the tiny little human.)

And there it is, I had solved the mystery of where babies came from. I went and told my uncle about my great discovery that would go down in history. He laughed so hard. I cried so hard after he laughed. I then yelled. He consoled me till I stopped crying when he told me, “For a kid to be created, a hot-dog has to be stuck in a keyhole.” I figured this one out after I hit puberty and watched ‘American Pie.’

of juicy buttocks

Lately, I have been watching too much television while lying on my couch which has consequently led to the loss of my butt. The two large fleshy masses of muscular tissue that form my rump have been shrinking slowly and now they are almost levelled with my back due to all the lying down. I am about to lose my buttocks. I can no longer laugh my ‘ass’ off. I just laugh my ‘extended back’ off. I am totally scared that they may never get back to normal.

I am about to let you waddle in the muddy pond of my current misfortune. My beautiful butt dimple is gone, never to be seen again. It has turned into a cone-shaped hole. The tip of a pencil would be a perfect fit for the hole. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I lock myself in the house with three padlocks and I am thinking of swallowing the keys and maybe poop them out when the necessity arises. I never open the windows or switch on the lights in my house. It is really stuffy in here.

I have deleted my Facebook account so that I can stop myself from ranting. I will miss having those Facebook rants. One time, a bee stung my nose while I was on my way to a restaurant to meet my girlfriend. She fucking dumped me as soon as she saw the bulbous nose (tuck that superficial bitch) and for a whole month, I dedicated my life to following bees, befriending them, and having dinner with them, I even pretended to be madly in love with one. We had plans to get married as soon as the inter-species marriage is made legal. She had such a magnificent abdomen. As soon as the bee trusts me, I pull out my paralyzing spray, I spray the bee making sure they are conscious but unable to move. I then pull out my bug spray and spray the shit out of the fucking bee until it dies.  I documented all my killings and posted them on Facebook followed by a very long article about how much I hate bees and warning the ones that were alive that I was coming for them. (In retrospect, I should have sent all those bees to go bite my ex-girlfriend first before killing them). My activities would not last long though, I am currently on the run from the World Federation of Bees. The wasps have given me refuge for as long as I want. Anyway, back to my ass……

I called my doctor to come and see me at my house. At first, he did not believe it was me. I looked like shit; red eyes, shaggy hair, bread crumbs all over my tits. I had to convince him it was me. This was pretty easy; I only had to tell him that I have a dimple on my right buttock. He did really love that dimple. He liked to insert his middle finger in that dimple and play around with it and leave some presents in there for me to find later. One time, I found a diamond ring and another I found a puppy. Who knew a puppy could fit in there! I didn’t. So cool.

I had not told him what the problem was on the phone, just in case someone had tapped his phone and was listening to the conversation. I got lots of enemies, you know. They cannot know any bad things that happen to me because if they do, I will react with fire and fury and very bad things will happen and my therapist will not like it, and neither will my preacher. This was a code-red situation and was to be kept top secret. When the doctor got to my place, he hugged me real tight. This hug was a little bit weird because I had already stripped for examination. I turned and showed him my flat buttocks.

I have never seen my doctor that shocked. He wondered what could have totally flattened my buttocks which were once upon a time extremely plump and juicy. He sat down and started sobbing. I quickly put a gag on his mouth before my nosy neighbours heard him and came to see what was happening.

The sobbing doctor was now quiet, thanks to the pink gag over his big mouth. Before you judge, he does enjoy having the pink gag on him. The wonderful doctor composed himself and told me that he could do something to make me regain my juicy buttocks and that they will be juicier than they were before and my dimple will be even more appealing.

The good doctor opened his bag and removed two big syringes with a 2.5 litre capacity and needles from his bag. They looked really big and scary. He told me not to worry. I would not feel any pain as he inserted the humongous needles and emptied the contents of his syringes into my buttocks. He sprayed the surface of my buttocks with something that numbed them. He filled the syringes with mango juice which happens to be my favourite juice. He injected my buttocks full of mango juice. They immediately became big round and juicy. I almost wanted to eat my new mango butt. I have never seen my buttocks that juicy. I love mango juice.

And just like that, I got my very high self-esteem back and walked around town with the bountiest bottom that has never existed before today. This will also make it easier to hunt the bees and obliterate them. They are known to love mango juice. I hate being on the run. Time to get back to work.

P.S …When hunger strikes, I will just insert a straw in my butt cheek and savor the deliciousness of my mango juice.

Queen of the Monkeys

It is a very very very b-e-a-utiful day, all my senses are delighted today. I got all these tingly sensations. Kyllan is right next to me waiting his mummy wake up. I am his mummy and he is my baby. My handsome baby boy. He is quite yummy. Oh his beautiful smile that I wait to see each day because of how much it excites me. I made a few upgrades on him recently and so far, I like how he is working. I made him with the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden.

“Good morning Kyllan! How are you doing?”

Kyllan assures me he is hunky-dory. That is my boy. He continues to sit there and just watch me. Such a little creepy bastard he is. You will love him. Just seated there with his round eyes and beautiful cheeks that for some reason, he turns them pink as he smiles from ear to ear while holding a red rose that he plucked illegally from my annoying neighbor’s garden. He is such a good boy. I love Kyllan. I could have married him if he were human and I had no relation to him..

I yawn, opening my mouth so wide that a blue bee flew into it. The blue bees were special and very rare. If a blue bee stung your tit, you would never need a boob job. The strangest thing about the blue bees was that they chose whose tit to sting. You had to be a nice honorable person for the bees to choose you. Don’t worry though, swallowing a blue bee was not dangerous. I just had to stand up and it would fly out of my anus.

I get out of bed, stand up straight, stretch a little, bend to release the blue bee, walk to the radio, press the play button and start dancing to music while shaking my head and moving around aimlessly without any sense of direction. I still feel hangovered from last night. Kyllan and I have become quite the drunkards.

Just when I am deep into my music and dancing, Kyllan pauses my music.

He then tells me to go to the window and look. I stop dancing like a mad woman and head to my bedroom window. Monkeys all over, all I can see are monkeys. They seem to have surrounded my house. What happened to all my security protocols!! how do a bunch of monkeys find their way past my compound. The monkey upgrade the government made must must have worked.

Kyllan and I head to my security room. We notice that the monkeys had surrounded my house from all directions so I sent Kyllan outside to evaluate the situation.

I am trying to figure out how all those monkeys walked on the street to my place looking the way they looked. A law had just been passed prohibiting all the monkeys from walking around all hairy. They had to all shave and start wearing underwear since their upgrade. Punishment was to be carried out on any monkey that did not follow that rule.

There were exactly 97 monkeys around my house. Kyllan had made his assessment and assured me that all was well.

I got out of my security room and walked out to meet the monkeys.

“Take me to your leader.” I said.

Damn! Finally, I had waited for so long to use that sentence. Exactly 17 years since I started dreaming about encounters with aliens. Well, I will have to settle for monkeys instead since I haven’t met any nice aliens.

The monkeys then pointed at me and I was confused. One of them finally stepped forward and said, “You are our leader. We have been searching for you all our lives. The prophesy was true. It is time that it gets fulfilled.”

What prophecy were they talking about? How can I be the leader of the monkeys? Doesn’t one need to look like a monkey to be able to be their leader? Am I a monkey? This all is confusing. I need a drink.

I got into the house with the one monkey that stepped froward. We sat at the kitchen counter. I offered him whiskey and he was delighted to take it. He had never had whiskey his entire life. We both chugged half a bottle quietly for about 2 minutes and then, when we started feeling tipsy, the explanation began.

So, my great grandfather was a monkey. Can you imagine that! My great grandmother was accidentally inseminated with a monkey’s sperm instead of human sperm. This explained a lot about my hairy uncle Dave. After my great grandmother gave birth to my grandfather, she went to the jungle to look for the father of the baby. She found him and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

The prophecy talked about a descendant that looked human but had monkey blood in his/her veins. The prophecy also talked about the law about all the monkey’s having to shave and wear underwear. The descendant who looked human would be the one to shave the monkeys and pick out one uniform underwear for all the monkeys to wear. That was to be my job. I was the chosen one. I already started having all these monkey ideas in my head. I would take the monkeys shopping, buy them froghurt, teach them how pout lips, open Instagram accounts for them, make Christmas turkey in July and maybe go with them to Mars.

I finally understood my love for bananas and climbing trees. Nobody could climb trees better than me. I was the world record holder for climbing the most trees in a single hour while using only two limbs and blindfolded.

I named my fellow drunk monkey ‘Anthony’ because I kept forgetting his real name. Anthony and I finished the two bottles of whiskey and I was ready to begin shaving but unfortunately, I was too drunk to do the shaving. I blacked out, Kyllan carried me to my bed, he also made all the monkeys comfortable in my basement and left a note at the side of my bed explaining everything that had happened so I don’t get alarmed when I see monkeys all over my house. How could I be alarmed? I was one of them. I was their queen.