My Special Neighbor

She is my neighbour from my previous apartment.

She moved into that apartment a month after me. We never really met for a while because as an introvert, I strategically only leave the house when there is no chance of me meeting any of my neighbours.

The first time we met, I was from the mall and was a tad bit tipsy. I passed her door before getting to mine. Her door was open and she had a party. My tipsy self thought it would be a good idea to go say hi at that moment. I didn’t lock my door because, for some reason, my brain thought that the anxiety that ensues from leaving my door open would stop me from spending too much time at the party.

I knock on her already open door and she receives me. I introduce myself as her neighbour. Turns out she already knew that. She invites me for a few shots. I get in, and one of her guests offers me his space on the couch, she brings me tequila and shot glasses and introduces me to the immediate guests.

I take a few shots and wanted to leave but she insists that I stay. I promise to go lock my door and be back. I go lock my door and join the party immediately after. The introvert in me showed up with cigarettes. I don’t mind cigarettes but I don’t particularly enjoy smoking them. They come in handy when I need a break from humans at a party. It’s easier for people to understand “I am going to smoke at the balcony” compared to “I am going to the balcony because there is no one there and I need space from humans”.

After a few minutes of saying hi to people I did not know, I go to smoke. A gentleman joins me, he was smoking so I did not mind his presence. 10 minutes later, I decided to cut my night short and go sleep since the conversation I was having with my balcony mate involved him trying to figure out what was wrong with me as a woman.

I go say bye to my neighbour and she decides to walk me to my house and hug me goodnight.

Fast forward to two weeks later, she invites me for dinner and drinks. We get to know more about each other. We are both developers. We laugh about my resting bitch face that stopped her from ever saying hi to me whenever she saw me. She tells me that I am nicer in person which makes me smile. When the drinks kick in, she tells me that I am hot and respectfully asks if she can kiss me.

Is she beautiful? Yes. Is she hot? Yes. Is she smart? Yes Is she sexy? Yes. Does she have a beautiful personality? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. SO, WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY “NO” WHEN SHE ASKED TO KISS ME!!!

Now the thought of kissing her is in my head and that is all I can think about. After about an hour, she asked if she could kiss me again. I nodded yes and our faces very naturally moved closer to each other. I got lost in that kiss. Everything disappeared. She was the only thing that existed. I have never had a kiss that passionate and that intense that all my problems disappeared.

With both her hands on my neck, she detaches slowly from my lips, her hands still in place, she looks at me and asks me to spend the night. I nod again because however much I tried, I could not let the word “yes” out of my mouth even though all I wanted to do was scream it for the whole world to hear.

We went to bed, and she helped me remove my clothes, made sure I was comfortable and then she got on top of me. I was not prepared for this. All she needed me to do was lie down and spread my legs. She had toys that I had never seen before. I lost myself in her which is something I had never done while having sex with a man. I felt safe. I felt special. That night, she existed to pleasure me. This feeling was foreign to me and I loved it. Sex with a woman hits differently.

She was happy to go on all night but for some reason, I felt guilty. I did not deserve that level of pleasure without giving anything in return. We cuddled all night and she made me juice in the morning which was quite helpful with my hangover.

She was the most overwhelming experience I have ever had.

Break up texts

I have been dumped twice on the text. I have never really been the one one that ended a relationship. I am too chicken to do it. The universe has always worked in my favour. Most of the time, my getting dumped has happened simultaneously with my need to end the relationship. After nursing my wounds, I had a lot of time to appreciate the prose in the preceding texts.

Break up text 1 —

Let’s not be coy – as opposed to me, you barely had any importance attached to this acquaintance. More often than not, I would be the one looking for you. Both unfortunately and fortunately for me, I think everything has eventually run its course. It was however quite ethereal while it lasted. Topping those memories will be no easy task.

Break up text 2 —

I possess only a finite amount of space in my brain and you have given me no reason to prioritize you in my thoughts. You are too much of an unknown variable. I find myself incapable of placing a quantitative value for you in my life. Logic dictates that I give precedence to existing constants. As for the conversations and the sex, well, I will miss those but can surely make do without. You have given me some of my best memories, let’s hope nobody tops them.

I cannot tell which I love more. I honestly appreciate the work they put into those. I know how much energy was conjured to come up with that.


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So, we gotta talk about HER because it is a requirement that I study and I can’t do that until I write this because she has been occupying the better part of my head lately.

She is one attractive human who possesses beauty undreamt of. I would randomly see around and thought “she is quite fine-looking this human, I would love to know HER”. Then, I found out we had a few mutual friends who would randomly mention HER in passing and just like that, I randomly met HER. Then I got to have a random conversation with HER one day and damn…I was overcome with awe and wonder. I couldn’t stop listening, she is really sophisticated and witty. That had to be one of the best conversations I have had in my life. I think about it a lot.

Accidental call

One night I randomly go through my phone and I realize that I may have HER number. So, I decided to call HER. I had no chills that day. At one point, someone called me using HER phone and I saved the number. I was only doing trial and error to see if it would go through. It did go through. At first, I was a little nervous but, turns out she was also excited to hear from me. That was a lovely one hour and 44 minutes conversation. We did plan to hang out and smoke little. A vice we both share.

Smoke day

Well, I am probably not proud of all that smoking but it was totally worth it. Chainsmoking was the order of the evening. That whole time, I was learning all these new things from HER. The sapiosexual in me was receiving pleasure and satisfaction every moment of it and I watched HER getting more and more attractive the more she talked.

Another smoke day

This time, I was a tad bit anxious and to calm my nerves, I had a few shots of whiskey. She showed up. I handed HER a shot. We ended up buying more liquor and cigarettes and the rest of the night was too sacred for me to share but it involved selection of clothes and pressing delete.

The memories I got, I never want to lose. I will hold on to them for as long as I can whether I get to see her again or not. I will think about HER at least once a day and then thank the universe for bringing to me this perfect little arrangement of atoms. I am so smitten. I kinda like it. It’s a strange feeling. I got feels again, I think a party to remember this day is in order.


My anxiety has shown its head again. My permanent state of worry and nervousness with the possibility of a panic attack is not good for me right now. I need my sanity. Anxiety has metamorphosed into my own pet demo-gorgon. My demons are not my caterpillars anymore but my butterflies. The caresses of my demons play over my face, moments when I feel that it is just me and my demons especially after I am heartbroken by anything or anyone (for instance, when Ned Stark died in Game of Thrones – Oh yes…I was that intensely affected, to the point where I do not want anything at all to do with Game of Thrones. I get intensely emotionally attached to fictional characters). My demons have become craftsmen with unequaled skill when it comes to handling me.

My heart is thumping wildly. My temperature rises sharply. I was crying hysterically last night and I really do not know why I was just feeling very sad. I was in sad shape, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I may have slipped. I allowed myself to undergo an emotional sensation, the kind that you get pleasure from and now I am suffering the consequences and I am currently writing this at a café that has really fast Internet and also googling ‘how I can be emotionless’ at the exact same time.
My emotions would kill me faster than any physical injury that does not involve veins or arteries would. I have toyed with the idea of slitting my wrists as if it were a game and then I remember that I can go talk to a therapist. I have had a couple of therapists who I owe much of my sanity.
I imagine I am one of those people who unfortunately get to feel everything quite intensely.(If feeling things intensely is actually a thing. Most people just think I pretend, especially my mother.)
I do not understand gray areas, it’s either black or white, heaven or hell, Sith or Jedi, Batman or Joker, Iron-man or Mandarin, Time Lords or Daleks, good or evil. I am ‘extreme’ personified. I overdo everything, drugs included. When it comes to alcohol, I drink as much as I can because all I want is to have a few hours of nonexistent feelings(A part of my life that I lately feel a need to evaluate). The many discordant voices in my head go quiet and I get to zombie-fy just for a few hours. I get to look at something and not feel anything towards it. It is like taking a break from myself. The drinking does come with a lot of obvious disadvantages though. I get very bad hangovers and end up wasting a whole day recovering.
I am happy and sad to say that I am no longer a functioning alcoholic. I feel as though both sobriety and alcoholism will kill me at the exact same rate. If it is not my liver, it is my brain. The happy part is mostly because I am not a social misfit anymore, but, to what end? The voices in my head will not shut the fuck up. I hear them all the time. The amount of concentration I have to channel to keep my head straight on just one thing is almost unimaginable. I find myself thinking about suicide sometimes. I don’t want to be around people. I am constantly seduced by the thought of anonymity which often shows up in my head in the form of a swan, I do not want anyone to know of my existence because that will open doors to heartbreak and a lot of annoyance. I can’t imagine getting out of the house and suffering a panic attack in an environment I cannot control. I can’t date because I have no idea what the voices in my head are usually planning for me. When I am in love, I choose to ignore the feeling and cut the one I am in love with out of my life. I feel like it is the only way that I can protect them and myself. Does this make any sense to you or do I just sound bonkers?

My demo-gorgon, if he were human, listens carefully to me more than he talks, wears nice flattering clothing that are in harmony with my taste, is clean shaven and smells like heaven, he exudes confidence, stands up straight, is quite stout and makes me comfortable with his touch. He is charming and plays me all the music that I like, he maintains eye contact while talking to me and when I get attacked, he carries me to a safe place and lets me know that he will always and forever be there for me whenever I need him. He resurrects all possible forms of exteroception in me, the tiniest stimulus to remind me of the beauty of this world. At this point, the rest of the world does not matter, it has always been me and my demo-gorgon. Just us. We will ride to hell or heaven together.

I almost killed Adolh Fitler

I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.

I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.

“… Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”

I had to clear my throat.

“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”

It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,

“Hello, is it me you are looking for.

I can see it in your smile…

You are all I’ve ever wanted…..

And my arms are open wide….

Cause you know just what to say…

And you know just what to do….

And I want to tell you so much….

I love you….”

Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.

Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.

The brain or the heart?

It was only ever supposed to be just a sex thing, a fling, two adults enjoying each other’s bodies. Nothing more nothing less. When we did it the very first time, I was trying to get rid of all these feelings resulting from my urge to satisfy my sexual impulses. It worked perfectly and in a moment of vulnerability, I asked if we could do that again and he was okay with my idea which in retrospect, I regret saying that. My head wants to end this trysts of ours before my heart gets in too deep. My head stands at the very edge of a deep hole trying to pull out my heart that already slipped and fell into the hole and descending in free fall under the influence of the gravity of his existence. This will end into a tug of war and my head, though rational, is sometimes weaker than the heart.

I go to him on a Friday afternoon, get some alcohol, smoke some tobacco, act like nothing is going on between us because none of our friends know it. We have been extremely discreet so far. I think about his lips, his face, his body. He talks, I can see his lips move but I cannot hear what he is saying, I am memorizing all the details of his face, his nose, his ears, his mouth. He is a beautifully made piece of human being. If he was created by God, he did not hold out anything on this one. If he evolved, then nature must have favored him.

I see him and I feel shivers down my spine. He touches me and my knees suddenly become doughy. I cannot stand anymore. Someone, please pick me up. I cannot stop looking at him. He is a mystery. A mystery that I do not want to solve. There is some sanctitude in what we have and what I feel for him thus solving this mystery will damage irreparably the very delicate temple in my head where I store all my memories and imaginations of us.

We kiss, we have sex but we never talk about it. I wonder whether he likes it or not. In fact, we rarely talk. Does he think of me as much as I think of him? If he does think of me, does he smile? When it is time to sleep, he comes to bed, he doesn’t say anything but we all know what is about to happen. At this point, I am doing back-flips in my head, my heart is racing a little bit, his lips touch mine and for a moment, nothing else exists but he and I. I move my fingers through his rugged hair and wonder what he would look like if he cut it all. I run my fingers down from his temple all the way to his succulent lips. We have a go at it which is always a mind-blowing experience and when he cums, we take a nap or rather he takes a nap. I have my eyes open. I am memorizing all the details of his naked body. I rest on my side with my right leg on top of his as he cuddles me. I notice how our skin tones are quite different. I think about an artist coming in and painting us just as we are so I con something to hold on to in case my memory fades away. He is magnificent.

After the nap, he slowly touches my hand and leads it to his phallus. He is hard again. He kisses me, plays with me a little bit and then asks me to ride him. I can feel him cumming. I sometimes wonder, ‘Does he ever get worried that I may get pregnant??’ even-though I know that I cannot. Will he hold these shenanigans against me if I decide to quit him?? Does he know how happy I am that I get to have sex with him??

If this was meant to only be a sex thing, why do I feel how I feel?? Why does my heart feel smote by him?? Why am I slightly jealous when I hear that he is with another girl?? I want to be selfish with him. I want his lips to be mine and mine alone. This was never supposed to happen. I find myself compartmentalizing him and pretending that he does not exist. Move on with my life without all these annoying feelings.

Please, feel my thoughts deep inside, reach out further and feel what I feel and tell that one thing, just one thing that will make me know whether to embrace these feelings or get rid of them.

Coup de theatre

I am driving to my lovely boyfriend’s house right now to surprise him. He is a wee laddie but he does all these things that inspire me and that no other wee laddie can do. He is in a state of altered consciousness induced by narcotics and he needs me to take advantage of him. Something that I really enjoy doing and I do so well. So, I thought I should go see him with my body naked to his invasion. I am not completely unclothed though. I have two pieces of clothing on. I have my trench coat and a beautiful sexy pair of stiletto heels, and kegel balls too, not that I needed them. The physical exertion required by my work kept me fit.

I get to his house, I am aflame with desire, you could tell by my unrestrained excitement. I open his door with the key he gave me. I am looking all spicy as I walk towards his bedroom to surprise him. I tiptoe into his room, trying not to mess up the surprise.

I am always taking advantage of him but none of my exploits have involved nudity. I also think I love this guy and his skin. His skin is as soft as a baby’s caboose. I usually want to eat him. We make quite the spicy couple. He might be the one. He is so beautiful both inside and out. I have already pictured myself with him for the rest of my life. I can see seven cute little babies who all look like me. I bought a family car yesterday. I am off birth control. I am already looking for a family house. I have given him half the wardrobe space in my apartment. We will grow old together, pick apples together and live happily ever after waking up to each other’s faces for all eternity. Eternity is quite a long time, just like I want it to be. We will die together. If one of us dies before the other, the one who stays alive will drink cyanide so we can be together forever.

This is the first time that I was ever surprising him. I was hoping it would be very soulful and amorous. He would immediately fall in love with me after I dropped that trench coat. He has never seen me fully naked. We were creatures of the dark, always doing it in the dark like horny bats. By doing it, I mean cuddling. We were cuddlers. The cuddles were endless with him. I walked into the room and switched on the lights. Oh yeah, the lights were on and there were surprises indeed. Lots of surprises in fact, such as my naked body, the ice on my virgin boyfriend’s broken penis, the pink handcuffs around his wrists, the girl under the bed looking for the cuff keys and the other girl behind me who had gone to fetch more ice from the refrigerator.

Who knew, the ‘surpriser’ became the ‘surprisee’. My poor heart. I will probably just turn into an angry woman who hates all men and wants to kill them.

I kick out the two girls. I then take the boy’s laptop and leave him watching lesbian porn with a gag around his mouth. I am guessing this would definitely be his kind of thing. Resetting my brain on what I thought about him was not that hard. Also, if you are an owner of a broken penis, do not watch anything that will turn you on, broken penises do not react well to that.

A little feeling….

Seeing you is always euphoric. You elicit all these feelings in me that I prefer to keep buried deep down where they can never be found. Feelings that occasionally show when I have drowned myself in a bit of alcohol and all the concrete and blocks that make my very highly erected walls shatter into tiny pieces. You send electric shivers down my spine and suddenly everything around me disappears and all I can see is you and you alone, all sound is lost to me and all my senses stop to work except for my eyes. Beauty personified is what you are. I would totally have you before I choose any drugs. Move over alcohol, a new love is in town. My loins get a little frothy and then I remember that I have to practice self-control and not jump on you and probably touch your will and then find a room to go to because both of us will be so horny. I first make a cheeky smile from ear to ear. Then I steal glances because I do not want you to catch me staring. All I can think of is kissing you over and over again and making love in the middle of the night while our friend is blacked out on the floor. We both hope he does not wake up while I am on top of you with my tits bouncing and I try so hard to suppress my moans while hoping that if this ever happens again, I will not have to suppress anything. I get high on the thought of me touching your abs, your hair and you running your fingers down my back.

I don’t even know if this will happen again but I am so happy right because, for the first time after a very long time, I felt something emotional. It’s good to be human again.

Charms that smite the simple heart

Insomnia again. I have gotten so much used to this. I might be starting to love it. There is this little high that you get when you are neither asleep nor awake. Yesterday, I almost got arrested by cops. I was going to spend my first night in jail. I would have written what I was doing but then I might just land myself into trouble in case a little sneaky snitch is reading this. Thanks to my multiple boyfriends, I wasn’t caught.

I have been feeling weird lately. Too weird in fact. A strikingly odd and unusual feeling. I could call myself namby-pamby. This feeling really really sucks. I have been stricken by charms that smite the simple heart.

When I said I wanted a new experience, I was joking. FML:-( It has ambushed me with daggers and spears, poking me from every direction. I feel so confused and attacks. I will die. Not real death, hypothetical death. This feeling is too strange. How do people survive this? It is like a hurricane …worse than a hurricane, extremely

violent with so much fury. I might need divine intervention to snap me out of this. If this is what wusses(I apologize for the use of this word) go through, I pity them. I feel like an insipid weakling who is foolishly sentimental. I need someone to slap me on my right cheek, then I can turn and give them my left cheek for them to slap too and then repeat the process again until I am back to my senses, If a slap doesn’t work, I could use an angry motherfucker. One who will punch the irresoluteness and wishy-washiness out of me.

I really hope this is a less than a 24-hour feeling. How did I start regarding someone with passionate and devoted affection? She technically has crawled into my favor. The one person in the world who can make me do anything without even asking. I have been struck by something overwhelming which is marked by my foolish and unreasoning fondness. I need help.

That was me six hours ago. I’m back to the normal me. I will be doing me from now on. It was good to know I got a heart though. Things like these happen once in a lifetime. Thanks, life, I need no new experiences. I’m kidding, I always kid. Just don’t return that feeling.

I may need new heels


I never should have worn those hot red sexy six-inch heels today. You should have seen me; I made a guy walk into a pole. He was staring at my lovely legs too much. My face was a little envious. It recently developed a mind of its own and whenever I do something it does not like, a zit rears its face. My face does like to be stared at all the time. What can I say; I have a very jealous face and all the jealousy spread to my tits. My second favorite twins are totally hurt and I have no idea what to do to make them feel better. I could have my girlfriend poke and milk them a little, my tits love that kind of shit.

Those heels are so hot and comfortable. They never hurt my feet, unlike all my other heels. Unfortunately, they chose to hurt my cute pair of buttocks. I can barely sit down. My butt feels like a rock. Those shoes have robbed me of my beautiful soft sitting apparatus. All I need is a warm bath and wine.

One hour later… (in Spongebob’s voice)….

The hot bath really has not helped. I can’t sit down. I can neither lie down on my stomach
because it makes my boobs will pop, I just had them refilled with milk and the milkman advised not to sleep on them or they will look like a version of deflated balloons. If they deflate, I would have only one option …. getting pregnant just so that my mammary glands can naturally produce milk (instead of being refilled) and make my boobies a bit rounder. I will just keep popping babies so that my boobies never run out of milk. I will probably take fertility pills so that I can have twins and triplets. The more the babies, the more the milk, the rounder the boobies and I will be happy…and fat too with a vagina the size of a river canal but I don’t care, I will have killing boobs.

My girlfriend just hurt her hand trying to spank my right buttock, when I turned the other cheek, she double hurt herself. I feel terrible; I was only trying to be the submissive girlfriend. I now have to get her medical attention. She is hurt really bad. Her palm is all red. She must have broken a bone or two. I now feel like a passive girlfriend batterer. I really need to find a way to soften this hard butt.

Moral of the story:
Hard butts are quite dangerous. They can be useful when tricking your enemy to spank you and BAM!!! BROKEN FINGERS.

Enemy – 0
Hard Butt – 1