A dozen stupid cats

It was quite a beautiful view. The cold was a bit much but the view more than made up for it. I was on holiday and decided to go mountain climbing, do something out of my comfort zone so I can stop feeling like a piece of shit and it totally worked. After climbing the mountain, I really felt like I could conquer the whole world.

I decided to take a short break so that I could enjoy the view and take some really cool pictures that I would never stop talking about and eventually drive my family crazy about it that they all stop talking to me. While enjoying my break, I heard a meow. Then another meow and another one and another one. Now I was getting really concerned. I started walking towards the meows.

I found the meows behind a cliff. It was a dozen cats and they all looked like they were in tremendous pain. I had no idea what I should do. I put down my bag and looked for my cat translator so that we could understand each other. Bingo, I found the translator.

I then asked the cats what exactly was going on and here is what they told me.

“We had been invited to this party by this rat that we had been friends with for a while. He had gotten a new job and wanted to celebrate his new found source of wealth. When we got there, we were treated to some really sweet cocktails of which he refused to give us the recipe. That did not stop us from drinking. We weren’t getting high fast enough so we decided to pop some pills given to us by our dear rat friend. The pills definitely worked. We were on cloud nine, totally euphoric and feeling like we can conquer the world. We were so so high that we did not notice when all the doors got shut and nobody else was left in the room except us and the rat. At this point, the rat was looking very very handsome. Well, we woke up in the morning in our houses wondering how we got there but we were just happy to be there. After one month, we all start feeling a little sick. We go to the hospital to get tested. They find out that we are all pregnant. We do an ultrasound and we are all pregnant with a hybrid of a cat and a rat. We left the hospital and headed to the rat’s house while very angry. When we explained to him what was going on in our bodies, he put us into a jet and dropped us here to die. ”

That was a very shitty situation. At that moment, I realized what my destiny was. I am here to save these stupid cats that were raped by a rat and are probably pregnant with monsters. Let’s face, a cat and a rat together is definitely not a pretty sight. How will they explain to their children that their dad is a rat and that they cannot eat him??

I called Kyllan, gave him my location and had him show up with my helicopter to carry those cats to safety. As usual, my lovely Kyllan showed up in time, did some first aid on the dozen morons and we left the mountain and headed home. I nursed the cats, despite having no skills at this, until they gave birth and after seeing how ugly their babies were, they decided to eat them.

Meanwhile, Kyllan searched everywhere for the rapist rat and when he found the rat, he arrested him and gave him to the cats to decide what to do with him.

One week later, all those cats had fallen victim to the rat’s charms again and married him. The fucking rat had 12 wife cats and they even invited me to the wedding and told me I could bring other humans. Well, I hope they will live happily ever after.

Solving a mystery

My old lady used to tell me, “Do not play with boys, they will make you pregnant.” My boobs were still only but pecks. I was 11 years old and far from learning about the reproductive system in school. I needed a reference book to find out what being pregnant meant. I also wanted to know the name of this game that I was clearly being forbidden from playing. Being about to produce new life is what my dictionary told me about being pregnant. I looked up the word produce. To bring forward. So, being pregnant meant to bring forward new life. Bringing forward a living being.

I did further research on pregnant. I saw a picture of a woman with a big stomach, a really big stomach. I had seen women with stomachs like that before. My Dad told me that they were fat. They were fat because they had been fed a lot of special protein. When I asked with whom, he would say their loving husbands. I wondered why he didn’t feed my Mum with special proteins that made women very fat only in the stomach area.

I deduced that pregnancy is a condition caused by special protein given to a woman by her husband. I started to wonder where the special protein was found. I would buy the protein,
eat it, and then be pregnant. The pregnant women did have beautiful faces. After all, I would only be fat for a few months. The protein had a lifespan of nine months. I then noticed most women would stop being fat after one day of going to a hospital. What really happened in the hospital? The women then showed up with babies. I couldn’t connect the protein to babies.

This thought disturbed me for a while until I came up with my own theories.

The hospital definitely had a manufacturing plant that converted the protein into babies. No…this theory didn’t make any sense as my old lady had told me that babies are dropped from the sky.

Here is my second theory which is about the sky man….
The Sky Man who was dropping the babies must have had perfect aim. I mean …all the babies he threw fell in hospitals only and they were thrown to the protein ladies only. It then dawned on me that the fat protein filled stomach was to act as a shock absorber for the thrown babies in case they landed too hard which was often the case. After a few bounces, the protein stomach disappeared. The mother would then hold the baby in her hands, then do pinchification ( a process that involved pinching the baby to make it yell and then stick a tit in its toothless mouth in order to transfer your DNA to the tiny little human.)

And there it is, I had solved the mystery of where babies came from. I went and told my uncle about my great discovery that would go down in history. He laughed so hard. I cried so hard after he laughed. I then yelled. He consoled me till I stopped crying when he told me, “For a kid to be created, a hot-dog has to be stuck in a keyhole.” I figured this one out after I hit puberty and watched ‘American Pie.’