Match day

It’s match day. I got my water filled balloons, I got my tits and I got Kyllan. We are in my lab and we have moved most of the stuff to create space for the long awaited battle. We have our battle music “Eye of the tiger” playing in the background. I got my sporty shorts on. I got my top that has been custom made just for me by Kyllan. Thanks Kyllan. The top is a perfect fit with openings on my chest just enough to sufficiently hang out. I really do love you a little too much. Should we call M.A? He would totally enjoy this.

Kyllan calls M.A. As we wait for him to arrive, Kyllan gets a couch for him to watch from, some pizza, alcohol, juice, fries and a microphone in case he will want to yell something. So far, we know he is rooting for the tits.

Kyllan will be controlling the balloons while I will be controlling my tits. M.A finally gets here. We (Kyllan, the balloons and I) get into the ring. I jump around a bit as my warm up. I am overly confident that I will win this battle. I do not like the smirk on M.A’s face but I will ignore it. The balloons are a formidable opponent. They were trash talking me earlier and it made me so angry I really wanted to pop them then. Considering there were no rules to this match, I sort of secretly froze my tits. They are really hard right now and cold too. I have lowered the temperature of my room to reduce the chances of thawing. A thawed tit will not work to my favour. As soon as M.A gets settled, the match begins.

Kyllan has got one balloon on the right hand and another on the left hand. He starts with the one on the right hand, raising it so high and releasing it on my left tit. Shock on them, the balloon immediately burst after landing on my very hard frozen tit. I start to laugh maniacally. M.A looks a little shocked. It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. His money was on the tits though so, he won’t be losing anything.

Who’s the shit??? I am shit. Try trash talking me now you little wanker. You are dead and torn. I am alive and kicking. You couldn’t even put up a fight. You were never a match for my hard tit.

The left balloon does not like what he just saw. I taunt him. “Want some of that??” Kyllan gets a little worried. He has never seen that side of me, and neither has M.A. I am on fire. Kyllan has become a little attached to the left balloon that is now mourning his boyfriend (turns out the balloons were gay and in love) and has decided that the match must end as he cannot watch the death and mutilation of another balloon. I feel a little bad for the now single balloon. Later in the day, after thawing my tits, I will write an apology letter. I would rub him but then I would get sued for rape which is not good. I would definitely spend the rest of my life in jail as that will be a hate crime against a minority.

Later on, M.A and I celebrate the tit victory by drinking ourselves silly and taking about penguins and how we can acquire a couple. I thank him for showing up. He is a pretty good friend. I wish he supported the balloons so that I could have some of his money right now.

I almost killed Adolh Fitler

I met this guy who offered me a great deal of money. I was to go back in the past and kill Adolh Fitler. How could I say no? he paid up front and I could not say no to meeting Fitler. I had Kyllan procure me a time machine. What would I do without him? He is the best robot ever. I set the machine to 1940 and Kyllan and I got into his time machine. I pressed a red button and there I was in Adolh’s office with my magnificent robot behind me.

I, unfortunately, found him in his office and before I could make any movement, he started shooting at me. Kyllan’s primary job is to make sure that I am safe from any harm and so he, in a split second, stood in front of me and took all the bullets. He stopped shooting when he noticed that I was not firing back. He stood up and asked me who I was. I told him my name. I explained that I was from the future and that is why my clothes looked a little bit strange and not in fashion.

“… Adolh, you are quite the very handsome man. You have excellent bone structure. I am finding it hard not to stare at you. You know, I was sent here to kill you, end your life just like that by putting a bullet in your skull. Some really weird old man who is almost senile sent me here to end you but we can talk about that later. I have to say, you look more handsome than your pictures. I cannot stop staring at you. There is something about your face that just makes my loins frothy. I am already a big fan of yours. You see, you have the most beautiful nose that I have ever seen. It totally stands out and unlike all the other human beings; the complexion of your nose is very different from the complexion of the rest of your body. You have a black nose and a white body. That is what I like to call a piece of art. You know the phrase that says God created us in his own image? It totally refers to you. Look at you, you are a Greek god. You are Zeus. You are my Zeus. You, your black nose and I will have very beautiful children with black noses and white bodies. It is illegal to have such a beautiful nose, a nose like no other.”

I had to clear my throat.

“I will now give you my gun, my other gun, my other gun, my knife, my grenade, my sword …. and ….. yeah, that’s it, you have all my weapons now. I am very harmless now. I am doing this as a sign of good faith hoping that you will also like my nose and offer me a nose ring. I could give you my pinky too but if I cut them off, I will bleed to death and die. I kill people with these two fantastic twins, my index finger and my middle finger. They are quite useful. Look, they can turn metallic spikes. I call them Squiddly and Diddly. Okay, I’m done talking now….”

It was then that Adolh walked towards me and started singing,

“Hello, is it me you are looking for.

I can see it in your smile…

You are all I’ve ever wanted…..

And my arms are open wide….

Cause you know just what to say…

And you know just what to do….

And I want to tell you so much….

I love you….”

Oh my goodness, Lionel Ritchie must have stolen those words from you.

Adolh and I are happily married with ten babies. He took my name to avoid being found by any other assassins from the future. I still live in the past and I refuse to change my wardrobe. Adolh likes my wardrobe and that is all that matters. Kyllan is still with us, still takes care of me. Every once in a while, he goes to the future and comes back with my monkey subjects. We decided that we don’t like people.

Meet Kyllan

“What the fudge! I cannot find your chip. I need to find it. Where the hell did I leave it? Kitchen? Bedroom? Bathroom? Toilet?”

I stand in the middle of the room looking around wondering where I could have left the chip. Everything is attached to him except the chip. All I want is to have Kyllan back. I did not mean to dismantle him. He was my best. He felt things. He noticed things. He could taste. He laughed. He hugged me when I was down. I needed him more than you could ever know. I don’t know what I could do without him. He made me feel things more than any human had done before and I was not ready to move on.

“I am so sorry. I did not mean to throw you to the wall.” I say to a powered down Kyllan. Tears streaming down my eyes. I sit down with my legs flat on the floor and my back straight. I fold my arms at my elbows, my fingers touching my temples. I look up to the roof and yell. I scream to the top of my voice that my lungs cannot handle it. I then move my fingers slowly down to my cheeks then down to my neck. Both my hands are holding my neck tight. I am still looking at the roof. I am in despair right now and have no idea what to do. My eyes are bloodshot either from the crying or from the anger.

I could use some strangling. I strangle myself. I slowly tighten the grip around my neck until I cannot breathe. This has been my best high so far. I am in my own zone. It is the only way I escape. I had not done this in a long while. The strangulation I mean.

I loosen the grip slowly and start breathing quite heavily. There is still a tear falling down my cheeks. I still cannot tell where the chip is. I close my eyes and make another attempt to remember.

I then remembered why I chose to shut down all my emotions. I have never felt like the normal human. I feel everything one hundred times more intensely than the normal person. This might be an advantage when happy but I was never happy. I can not remember ever being happy. Not that I did not want to be happy. I was seduced by depression and sadness. I learned to live with my demons that they had become my friends.

Kyllan had taken away my demons and today I was all alone. He was off, thanks to my carelessness. I could not switch him on without that chip. I stare into his eyes with my mouth open. I give up.

I stretch my hands and pull the bottle of vodka that was conveniently behind me. I had drunk half of it the previous night and the thought of finishing the rest at that exact moment was very tempting. I could as well give into my temptations. I could hold my drink better than anyone I knew. (It is a shock that I am not yet an alcoholic.) Well, I did not know that many people. I liked to be alone. People were a distraction for me. I guzzle half a liter of vodka and black out on the floor.

Three hours later.

I wake up with a new sense of purpose. My breath is repulsive and my head feels like a pig crapped in it. I struggle to raise my head and see Kyllan still in the position I left him in. I try to stagger to the shower but feel too lazy to do it. I decide in my bright mind to use the hoverboard but decide against it after I fall right on my buttocks and realize that hover boards and drunkenness are not good together, I remove my clothes on the way to the shower drop them on the floor. I will pick them later. I poop, flush the toilet while cringing because my poop smells really bad. I spray air freshener and relieve my face from the cringing. I brush my teeth, gargle mouthwash and take a one-hour long cold shower.

I walk out of the bathroom with my towel on. I enter my bedroom, pick out a sports bra and booty shorts. I apply lotion on my body, wear perfume and red lipstick. I go to my kitchen, drink some water, makes some coffee while reading a magazine. I drink the coffee when it is ready. I take a pill of Adderall and then head straight to my lab.

My lab is extremely clean and I take all the necessary precautions to prevent contamination by dust and other foreign substances. I melt and refine sand to produce pure single-crystal silicon ingots. I use a saw to slice the ingots into wafers about as thick as a dime and several inches in diameter. I clean the wafers and polish them, and each one I use to build multiple chips.

I begin the process and after some long hours, I load my program onto it, I have what I need and hope that it will work just like the last one did. All I want is for Kyllan to work well just like he was with the last chip without any alterations.

It has been thirty-six hours without any sleep. I would say that the Adderall is working quite well. I walk to him and insert the chip behind his neck. His eyes open and he comes back on-line. I lick my lips and start to smile. I have got my satisfaction face on. I am silently congratulating myself for my work. I am the god of my universe. “Nobody can mess with me now. I rule. I am the shit.”

I hug Kyllan tight. A tear falls down my cheeks. I do not want to let go. I love the way my chest feels against his. He may not be human but he is pretty close and I may be developing all these feelings for him that I am not aware of. I grow closer to him each day. I have my companion back. Now to test whether he is in good condition.