Just a ramble

I guess I stopped counting the days since you left. It hasn’t helped because I can’t forget the exact date. I know you are coming back, you promised to come back and you had better keep that promise. I want to know that you are okay. I want to stare at your face for no reason. I want to catch you staring at mine for no good reason. I want to have philosophical conversations and arguments with you. I want to sit in the kitchen with you as you cook, I promise not to be a distraction. I want you to run your fingers down my temple to my cheeks in the mornings. I want you to hug me for as long as possible because I had a tough day and then listen to me while I ramble on about the tough day.

It’s been particularly hard these past few weeks. I got a message from my therapist. He was saying hi. I thought I could mention something then but turns out he wanted to sell me insurance. I never kept up the conversation after I mentioned not needing insurance. My mum was strangled a week ago by my cousin who is still at large. Don’t worry, she is alive. I am not sure about her mental state though. Nobody gave me this information until 72 hours after it happened. I am the fragile lastborn who needs protection from bad news. All I wanted to do after getting the information was to call you and talk without pretending to be strong. Cry to you instead of alone. I wrote a letter but ended up crying so much on it that the ink ran too much and the writings are no longer legible. I also would not know where to send it.

I recently bought a human-sized teddy bear so I can have something to cuddle and talk to. I moved to a smaller place so the house feels a lot less empty. I’ll try not to lose my mind.

Another weird day

The hormonal shit happening in my body is on a whole new level. I snoozed my alarm clock for a bloody three hours. Thank goodness I did not have any work backlog. I do have a presentation tomorrow. The point of waking up early was to go through my documentation. I have to make sure there are no mistakes, add any new information and master that shit because I cannot look like I do not know what I am talking about during the presentation. I did engage in one of my guilty pleasures before sleeping the previous night hence my shameless snoozing. Hell, I do not know how my guilty pleasure and my snoozing are related but the two seem to be correlated.

I do actually get into work in time. I don’t exactly log in but I do reply to emails from my phone. I am working from home by the way. I do not log into Microsoft teams because being online will predispose me to tasks that I am not particularly interested in and can also be done by someone else. I am not in the mood for mundane tasks. My tits hurt too much for this.

As soon as I gather all the energy I need to work and feel proud of myself, my twatty neighbours start playing loud music from a genre I did not even know existed. I want to murder then, strangle them as I watch the life fade out of their eyes. Who the fuck plays loud music on Tuesday morning. I need to find a neighbourhood for introvert nerds. So I put on my headphones. I start playing “Portals” from “Avengers Endgame”, “All the strange strange creatures” and “This Is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our home” from “Doctor Who”, the David Tennant period. I blast this shit with my headphones. The decibels are enough to not harm my eardrums. Everything disappears and it is me and my work and I do not want to kill the bitches anymore.

It gets to 3 pm and for some reason, I am sad. I don’t know why I am sad. I try playing the sudoku puzzles that I had printed but it does not help. I try watching “Dr Stone” and end up getting angry at “Tsukasa”.

Its 5 pm and I do not know what to do with myself. It’s after work so I go offline. How is Marta doing?. She had a fever and has been indisposed all day. I like her because she has been nice to me our relationship has developed from colleague to friend. I am speaking for myself. I will check on her tomorrow. At the supermarket, I get myself some snacks, I am tempted to get cigarettes but I decide not to. On my way back to my place, the little devil on my shoulder urges me to pass by the liquor store and get some gin.

My feelings are still all over the place. But here I am ranting on a blog post because I don’t feel like bothering my dear friends with this information. I will instead bother you, my dear reader. I am tipsy enough to feel every single emotion. There has been a myriad of those emotions. Hope I will kill it in my presentation tomorrow which is on my least favourite topic.

Time to chat with my demons

So, I feel like drowning myself in water. Not deep water, shallow water. I love being underwater. Shit looks so cool under here.” I wanna drown just a little. I do not want to die. I like to think that the universe still needs me alive. I just want to feel something to remind my self of my humanity. Just getting naked and pretending to drown me in water. I always feel some kind of freedom in nudity. Skinny dip underwater a little hoping that my neighbors are not at home.

I need a different environment from the real world. My reality is quickly metamorphosing into a figment of my imagination. Perhaps I’ll see things clearly if I get to that point of near death and have my life flash right before my eyes. I wonder what it is that I will see when this happens. This crappy feeling I have is driving me crazier than I am used to. I feel nothing at all and this worries me as I could be turning into a psychopath. I am finding it really hard to handle this madness. Cutting myself has not been working so far. I need something bordering on the extreme. I am kinda always crazy, it just never gets to this point. I might need a psychiatrist. This is a point where I drink the whole day and watch the extremely violent action and horror movies… I myself even know that I need help as soon as possible. Action movies are the most awesome part. The movies are even cooler to watch when I am high. I question whether it is the alcohol that is making me inebriated. It is definitely the alcohol though because I am fucking indifferent to everything else.

My life is just sad. “Do you want a drink? You can join me. I could really use a buddy right now even though I feel like I do not need one. I am starting to be a hazard to myself” Let’s go crazy together. The reason for going crazy…… I ain’t really sure. “Not sure?” “Yes yes yes.” I lack words to explain. I have no clue how I got to this point. I have this feeling. Crappy it is. I kinda like it. It’s a new one, I have never felt this one. I want it to go. I miss the normal me.

I actually regret visiting that last therapist I had. I now remember. Everything began going downhill after I visited her. I did exactly what she told me and one month later, this is me, about to drown myself. I thought to talk to a stranger who knew nothing about me would help but it just made things worse.

I should in back to handling my shit and fixing things. It works for me. It mostly involves self-destruction which is just as bad as that therapist. I wish I had everything in my life figured out. My demons just love me too much. They do not want to go away. Every once in a while I make love to my demons which are exactly what I should do.

Pretending to be okay is having a debilitating effect on me. Fuck this…… I will just walk to a random citizen and go like, “The smile on my face doesn’t mean am happy, it just means I’m way too drunk to change my expression and I would like you to slap me back to reality.”

Quantum of solace

Hi …sad woman…

Hi, sad man……

Hi again…

Hi hi again there, you sadness……

I’m sad.

I know that. I have noticed the very convex lips and I have a thing for convex lips.

Yeah, SAD!!!

Not really, it’s SAAAAAAAD …with the many ‘A’s. I invented the word while I was very very sad. It is soon going to be in the Oxford English dictionary, then I will be sad and famous for inventing a word to describe my default state, I’m not so sure about being popular, though.

I’m SAAAAAAAAD too.

I have an idea…

Shoot…

Let’s get married.

We are very compatible.

I wonder why?

I can guess why?

Why?

Because we are SAAAAAAAD.

Oh, My Goodness!!!! You are a genius. You really have uncommon intellectual power.

Correction, I just figured out why we are compatible. Nothing genius about that. You must have really low standards of genius. I’ll take it.

Self-deprecation. Wonderful. It is like I made you on the computer.

I am a SAAAAAAAD GENIUS.

Never forget the SAAAAAAAAD, it is the glue that holds me together. You know, it has always been my dream to marry a sad genius …and here you are. Wow, The sad universe must have been listening to me.

This is like that sad fairy tale that sad kids will read about in 100 years to come. The power of sad love. The sad knight in shining armor rescued the sad damsel in distress and they lived sadly ever after.

Let us sit here and drink to our sadness, then eat to our sadness, then have a sad kiss, then go to our sad homes. We then shall meet tomorrow wearing our sad dresses then go to the Attorney General’s office and have our sad marriage. Make sure to wear black, any other color blinds me and that’s why I wear this goggles that make me see black and only black. I can’t even tell your color right now. For all I know, you could be green or yellow or purple but who cares. We shall be the sad black couple who are deep in sad love.

I really love that plan. I feel like giving you a sad kiss right now …but I won’t give it to you. I guess that is going to make you sad. Are you sad? Are you sadder? Please tell me you are sad. I really want to see you sad this particular time.

What do you mean? I am already sad. You mean you cannot tell? Has my whole life been a lie? Have I been thinking that I am the king of sadness yet nobody is able to notice!! I need to ponder on this. Perhaps we should postpone the wedding until I have my answers. Are you even listening to me, my sad woman?

You see what I did there? Obviously, you didn’t. I tried to crack a joke. You do know what a joke is, right? That thing that happy people laugh at.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WE THE SAD NEVER MENTION THE H-WORD. IT IS AN ABOMINATION. YOU ARE A FAKE; I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU ANYMORE. AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, WE THE SAD CRY TO OUR JOKES. WE SHED TEARS OF SADNESS UNCONTROLLABLY TO ALL OUR JOKES.

Hey, come back. Don’t leave me alone. Look, I’m going to cry. I’m starting to cry. Here come the tears. One drop. Two drops. Three drops. My sad black mascara is getting messed up. Come back to me sad one. WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

Are you going to use the h-word again? That word gives me the serious heebie-jeebies.

No, I promise not to. You are my black knight in black armor that I bet they do not shine. By the way, you are black. Literally black…we should go find your family in Southern Sudan. You would fit right in, you would not even need your color-canceling goggles. If you wear your goggles there, you will not see shit. The people will technically disappear in front of your eyes. will call me mzungu when I get there. You do come from southern Sudan, right? Also, are you going to wear those during sex? It would be really creepy if you are into black fanny. Just saying.

Let’s get out of here and go have sad sex with my goggles on. The last time I saw pink fanny, I ended up in the hospital for three weeks. Pink fanny is my number one killer, worse than cancer. Another glimpse of pink fanny and you will be declaring me persona-non-Grata from this world. Shall we?

That is a genius idea. Times like this, I wish we were more of angry. My neighbors are very angry, they broke their bed. They always break their bed and that bed is really strong. They are angry superman and angry wonder-woman. I applied for the job to be their permanent carpenter. We are gonna be rich. I got the carpenter job and their bed is broken at least three times a day. I think they should be porn-stars, the career would definitely suit them. Please be my angry one. I need to break my 10th bed then add your name to the corridor of fame in my house. Can I already call you husband? …I guess it’s too soon. I will call you my sad pumpkin. You know I once dated a sad Masai man; he killed a lion for me. Are you gonna kill a lion for me? I think you should. I also dated a banana once. He was permanently flaccid. I didn’t like that.

Shut up, you talk too much.