Professor Marbles

All I have to do is to survive until I am 130 so that I can regenerate into a young person. How hard can that be? 130 is so bloody old. By the time I get to 80, I will have no teeth and will be walking around with a walking stick. I don’t fucking want to reach that state. I gotta find a way out. One thing you may not know is that the government regulates the regeneration facilities. The 130 thing is just a rule. You can regenerate at whatever age you want. Unfortunately, the government owns the technology and nobody has been able to recreate it yet. The scientist responsible for its creation is somewhere breastfeeding. He keeps being regenerated into a toddler and that way he will not be able to give anyone his secret formula. This hiccup will not deter me from my quest. I am going to find this scientist and do everything I can get information from the old toddler.

Kyllan, pack my bags, we are going to Mars to find Professor Marbles. Professor Marbles lives in Mars with the other convicts. The earth became too populated and crimes increased. All the criminals were sent to mars without a leader. The professor is sent to earth once every two years so that they can be baby-fied. Meeting him on Mars is much better than waiting for him to show up.

Everything is ready and it is now time to leave. The journey is successful and I get to mars. As soon as I get out of my ship, two people with guns are waiting for me outside. They bind both my hand and take Kyllan’s chip form this neck. Shit! I feel fucked. “We shall now take you to our leader”, the arrester says. I follow him closely while enjoying the scenery around. These prisoners have really done some good things with the place. They even have a bouncing castle which is something that has been outlawed on earth. Humans would inflate their kids and bounce them on the castles. Some kids exploded. So, both kid inflation and bouncing castles were outlawed.

In about two minutes, we were at the Leader’s office. Some woman walks in carrying a six-month-old baby. The chubby baby opens its mouth to start speaking. It has teeth, the chubby thing has teeth.

“Hi, who are you and why are you here?”

Did the chubby thing just speak? I had to take a moment and normalize my breathing.

“We are looking for Professor Marbles. We would like the schematics for building the regenerator.” I said.

“I am Professor Marbles you dick. I cannot give you the schematics but I have another way of helping you. Head back to earth and visit the Earth house. Camp 50 metres outside the South Gate. When the lights go out, walk slowly towards the gate and start playing this tune. All the Earth house members have chips in them that will react to this particular tune by making them laugh. They will laugh till they die and the eventually evaporate into thin air. I will give you a passcode to get in after 20 minutes. Walk to the basement and find android replacements for everyone. I made then so I know they are perfect. Nobody will notice a thing. The human race is clearly getting more and more stupid. You will find the President’s schedule in the Round Office. You are to become the new leader until I come back in the next 18 months. While controlling the president, you can change the regeneration age to suit you. Now go back to Earth and take care of that planet for me.”

Before I could say anything, we had been teleported to 50 metres outside the South Gate of Earth house. Let’s fucking carry out a coup Kyllan. Fuck me!! Your chip is still in Mars.

Rat incubator.

“It’s not really a fly. If you swat it, they’ll just find you and send two more.”

I wish I knew that before I chose to land on this freak show of a planet. I just could not resist. It was so ethereal. Aside from Earth, it was the second most beautiful planet I had ever set my eyes upon. It was shiny, made of diamonds. I had to land for a bit and take in the scenery. Absolutely gorgeous.

After landing safely, I got out, scanned the air. It was safe to breathe so I removed my suit and decided to hang around naked with Kyllan serving me a drink. While I was enjoying my drink, a fly landed on my thigh, I swat it and with my huge hands. This was very disgusting. A few seconds later, there were two flies on my thighs. I swat them too. A few seconds later, there were four flies on my thighs. I swat the fucking flies like a boss. Mmm, where the fuck are these flies coming from? They kept increasing and increasing. In a minute, I had flown all over my body. It was quite uncomfortable considering they were right on my skin. I could feel their legs moving all over my body. What the hell was going on?

Kyllan was being quite useless. He pretty vexed that I came here against his counsel. The perverted robot was persistently gazing at me. What was he looking at that he hadn’t already seen??

“Dial down on the perversion your little piece of shit and then get these flies off my body.” I basically screamed at Kyllan. He got into the ship to get a swatter. He got back ready to start swatting when we heard someone shouting at us that we should stop.

Looking to see where the sound came from, I saw this very beautiful lady walking towards me. “Those are my flies and you are hurting them. You hurt them, you hurt me. Kindly stop.” The beautiful lady says. Kyllan puts the swatter down.

“Get me some clothes Kyllan?” I say.

“No need for that, I have seen everything I need to see. I am Shtooopf. What’s your name?” She asks.

“I am Girl,” I say.

Shtooopf shakes both my hands by squeezing them in between her gigantic palms.

I wake up with a devilish headache. With great effort, I struggle to raise my head just so I can look around. It feels like pigs are running around and crapping in my head. Where the fuck is Kyllan!! I am lying on my back and I can’t see anything in front of me. I also can’t raise myself. “KYLLAN” I try shouting but no voice comes out.

“You need to relax. A few minutes now and it will all be over. One more hour and the 36 hours will be over.”

I turn to my left to see who said those words. Jesus Christ! It’s a fucking rat. A rat is talking to me!! What’s going on!! Why are my legs being spread!! Why can’t I speak!! Holy shit! The mountain blocking my view is my stomach. Why is this rat telling me to breathe!! Why can’t I pass out!! I really want to pass out now and wake up in my ship without any recollection of this. What have they done to me!! A tear drops down my right eye to my temple than to the floor.

The size of my stomach seems to be reducing. After some time, my stomach is flat again. That lady… The beautiful lady, Shtooopf, I remember her clearly because all I wanted to do was bone her. She comes up to me and thanks me for saving a species. I don’t care what planet that was, those were rats, they looked like rats. Since when did rats have their own planet!! Are rats Aliens?? This is totally bonkers. I just have birth to a million rats on a diamond planet.

Those flies were basically implanting rat sperms in me. They call it pollination. They had to borrow my body because I was the only compatible fertile traveller that had passed by that planet in a long while. A natural disaster had turned all the existing rats sterile and they could not reproduce. Shtooopf was there as the nanny. She would take care of all the kids that I just birthed.

I just saved a species from extinction. That’s kind of dope. No more random stops though. I hope they took out all their rats.

“Please take me back to my ship and return my robot.” That was all I could say.

Lost tits

So, I wake up in my college dorm bathroom. The only light is that filtering through the filmy windows high above the showers. I am alone. I try the door, only to find myself locked in. Then I realize that it’s the first morning of Thanksgiving break, and since the dorms were cleared out and locked, I am stuck for the next four days.

Fuck fucks fuck. I gotta stop cursing because this is not helping. How did I even end up in the bathroom?? I really can’t remember anything from last night. It must have been a bonkers night. My head feels like a pig crapped in it.

What to do, what to do, what to do!!

Mmmh! I feel my phone in my pockets. Thank goodness I still got it. I dial Kyllan so he can figure out how to solve my small problem. I cannot stay hungry for four days. I can barely last 8 hours without food.

Tits tits tits. I could play with my tits as I wait for Kyllan. Shit! My tits are missing. Where the fuck are my tits? I remember having them before going to the party last night. Shit, the last time I lost my tits, I had willingly given then to the disk jockey because I really enjoyed the music he was playing and thought my tits would make the perfect reward. Thankfully, he returned them the next day as soon as I sobered up. What a nice lad he was. That could have gone so badly with me ending up in jail for sexual harassment. Who knew a day would come when sexually harassed men would get the justice they deserve. The world is indeed getting better.

This is the worst time to lose my tits. What will I tell my boyfriend? He told me to leave my tits with him so I don’t lose them. Looks like I was too overconfident with my idea of responsible drinking. Shit! At least I got four days to come up with the best excuse as to why I do not have my tits.

What if I gave them to a stranger? They could be somewhere milking the hell out my tits, or even worse, they could be suckling directly from my nipples. Oh no! My nipples could come back shriveled. Eeew, I cannot think about this right now.

“Please don’t!” I scream in my head. My fifth horseman of the apocalypse (paranoia) has reared its head. I can’t think of anything else other than my lost tits now. Looks like he is followed by his dear friend anxiety. I really need Kyllan right about now.

What if my tits get sold on the black market? I cannot walk around tit-less and I do not want to get new tits. I should send Kyllan to the tit auction just in case they will be there.

My threesome with paranoia and anxiety is interrupted with a phone call. Kyllan is here with some Pym particles. He passes them through the window, I shrink and walk out through the window. I unshrink and hug Kyllan for saving the day once again. Thank goodness he is a robot or else he would have been tired of me already.

“Here are your tits ma’am.” Those were the best five words I had heard in a really long time. Turns out, Kyllan had my tits tracked and the moment I separated from them, he noticed and went to collect them from some dairy farmers who were already prepping them for milking. I love you Kyllan.

Time to find my man and probably not tell him what happened.

Fucking tired of Earth

I am seated at the balcony with a cigarette loosely hanging between my middle and index finger. I just got out of the shower and I am in my towel because I fucking do not feel like dressing. I just trimmed my hair, I love it short. For some reason, it makes me feel a lot more badass. I hate doing laundry so any chance I get to stay naked, I will take it. My neighbors are perverts so I will don a towel. If I had my own island with no neighbor, I would never dress. Kyllan’s brought me my glass of wine and put it on the table right next to my one and a half liter bottle of wine. His purpose today is to basically be my bartender. Self-destruction is today’s plan. I gotta feed my demons. We end up having this lovely conversation with Kyllan and we both realize we are in need of a change of scenery. Being bored is not an option. I never allow myself to be bored.

We are bloody exhausted with this planet known as Earth. You might know it as the planet inhabited by humans who cut trees to make paper and so they can write “save trees” on the same papers. Kyllan and I have this great plan to leave this fucking solar system and spread across the interstellar space. We just wanna hop from one exoplanet to another until we fade into oblivion, colonizing everything in our way. How cool will that be? Just me and my Kyllan. We should probably get one extra person to blast out of this place with. Should we steal some babies so we can create a whole new civilization? Kyllan and I alone cannot establish a civilization, he is a fucking robot.

The laws of physics are no longer limiting. We have broken the speed limit of the universe. Traveling through space does not take as much time as it did in 2019. We are able to travel at light speed and even outperform it. The infinite universe is no longer out of reach. There are billions of planets out there just waiting to be explored. …and aliens, I would love to meet some aliens, perhaps one smarter than me. All the things I could learn from them. Is anyone else getting frothy loins from this thought? Hopefully, they will not be hostile

Since we found a way to increase our lifespans, nothing can stop us from traveling the stars. If my body withers, I will download my consciousness into an android.

I have access to the fastest spacecraft ever built. Yes, I commissioned it because I am independently wealthy and what better way to spend my money. We will start with our neighboring star system Alpha Centauri. I love the name Alpha Centauri.

Let me finish my bottle of wine, get another one, get drunk, sleep, wake up and then come up with an elaborate plan on how this will happen.

Match day

It’s match day. I got my water filled balloons, I got my tits and I got Kyllan. We are in my lab and we have moved most of the stuff to create space for the long awaited battle. We have our battle music “Eye of the tiger” playing in the background. I got my sporty shorts on. I got my top that has been custom made just for me by Kyllan. Thanks Kyllan. The top is a perfect fit with openings on my chest just enough to sufficiently hang out. I really do love you a little too much. Should we call M.A? He would totally enjoy this.

Kyllan calls M.A. As we wait for him to arrive, Kyllan gets a couch for him to watch from, some pizza, alcohol, juice, fries and a microphone in case he will want to yell something. So far, we know he is rooting for the tits.

Kyllan will be controlling the balloons while I will be controlling my tits. M.A finally gets here. We (Kyllan, the balloons and I) get into the ring. I jump around a bit as my warm up. I am overly confident that I will win this battle. I do not like the smirk on M.A’s face but I will ignore it. The balloons are a formidable opponent. They were trash talking me earlier and it made me so angry I really wanted to pop them then. Considering there were no rules to this match, I sort of secretly froze my tits. They are really hard right now and cold too. I have lowered the temperature of my room to reduce the chances of thawing. A thawed tit will not work to my favour. As soon as M.A gets settled, the match begins.

Kyllan has got one balloon on the right hand and another on the left hand. He starts with the one on the right hand, raising it so high and releasing it on my left tit. Shock on them, the balloon immediately burst after landing on my very hard frozen tit. I start to laugh maniacally. M.A looks a little shocked. It wasn’t supposed to be this easy. His money was on the tits though so, he won’t be losing anything.

Who’s the shit??? I am shit. Try trash talking me now you little wanker. You are dead and torn. I am alive and kicking. You couldn’t even put up a fight. You were never a match for my hard tit.

The left balloon does not like what he just saw. I taunt him. “Want some of that??” Kyllan gets a little worried. He has never seen that side of me, and neither has M.A. I am on fire. Kyllan has become a little attached to the left balloon that is now mourning his boyfriend (turns out the balloons were gay and in love) and has decided that the match must end as he cannot watch the death and mutilation of another balloon. I feel a little bad for the now single balloon. Later in the day, after thawing my tits, I will write an apology letter. I would rub him but then I would get sued for rape which is not good. I would definitely spend the rest of my life in jail as that will be a hate crime against a minority.

Later on, M.A and I celebrate the tit victory by drinking ourselves silly and taking about penguins and how we can acquire a couple. I thank him for showing up. He is a pretty good friend. I wish he supported the balloons so that I could have some of his money right now.

A dozen stupid cats

It was quite a beautiful view. The cold was a bit much but the view more than made up for it. I was on holiday and decided to go mountain climbing, do something out of my comfort zone so I can stop feeling like a piece of shit and it totally worked. After climbing the mountain, I really felt like I could conquer the whole world.

I decided to take a short break so that I could enjoy the view and take some really cool pictures that I would never stop talking about and eventually drive my family crazy about it that they all stop talking to me. While enjoying my break, I heard a meow. Then another meow and another one and another one. Now I was getting really concerned. I started walking towards the meows.

I found the meows behind a cliff. It was a dozen cats and they all looked like they were in tremendous pain. I had no idea what I should do. I put down my bag and looked for my cat translator so that we could understand each other. Bingo, I found the translator.

I then asked the cats what exactly was going on and here is what they told me.

“We had been invited to this party by this rat that we had been friends with for a while. He had gotten a new job and wanted to celebrate his new found source of wealth. When we got there, we were treated to some really sweet cocktails of which he refused to give us the recipe. That did not stop us from drinking. We weren’t getting high fast enough so we decided to pop some pills given to us by our dear rat friend. The pills definitely worked. We were on cloud nine, totally euphoric and feeling like we can conquer the world. We were so so high that we did not notice when all the doors got shut and nobody else was left in the room except us and the rat. At this point, the rat was looking very very handsome. Well, we woke up in the morning in our houses wondering how we got there but we were just happy to be there. After one month, we all start feeling a little sick. We go to the hospital to get tested. They find out that we are all pregnant. We do an ultrasound and we are all pregnant with a hybrid of a cat and a rat. We left the hospital and headed to the rat’s house while very angry. When we explained to him what was going on in our bodies, he put us into a jet and dropped us here to die. ”

That was a very shitty situation. At that moment, I realized what my destiny was. I am here to save these stupid cats that were raped by a rat and are probably pregnant with monsters. Let’s face, a cat and a rat together is definitely not a pretty sight. How will they explain to their children that their dad is a rat and that they cannot eat him??

I called Kyllan, gave him my location and had him show up with my helicopter to carry those cats to safety. As usual, my lovely Kyllan showed up in time, did some first aid on the dozen morons and we left the mountain and headed home. I nursed the cats, despite having no skills at this, until they gave birth and after seeing how ugly their babies were, they decided to eat them.

Meanwhile, Kyllan searched everywhere for the rapist rat and when he found the rat, he arrested him and gave him to the cats to decide what to do with him.

One week later, all those cats had fallen victim to the rat’s charms again and married him. The fucking rat had 12 wife cats and they even invited me to the wedding and told me I could bring other humans. Well, I hope they will live happily ever after.

The amazing tactile duo

My digital circuits lecturer is really hot. I can’t help it, it is hard not to notice. She has the perfect nose. I particularly love its snub shape. I just can’t stop gazing at it. It is a very attractive nose considering it was natural in a world where everyone has a fake nose. It is refreshing. A young woman with a big brain who is also sexy and has a natural nose are pretty hard to come by. When I start gazing, I usually am in the zone, I don’t even blink, it is like looking at the weeping angels except in this scenario, you are delighted to do it and not scared. She has the perfect brown eyes, beautiful cheeks that show dimples when she smiles and turns purple when she blushes, her teeth are perfectly white, I think her eyebrows are tweezed, they are way too perfect, she has the perfect hairline and she is funny too. She is my only lecturer who does not put me to sleep. Her complexion is almost like the color of that chocolate that I buy every day, the one that is slowly making me start tasting like chocolate. It is specially designed for me.

This woman is God sent. I need to know her name and start attending all of her classes. I should not be taking digital circuits this semester but for her, I will do the stupidest things. I could get her to tutor me. All I need to do is terribly fail in my first test then go crying to her of how I have to do well so that I can make my parents proud of me. I will make myself available anytime for tutoring any time any day. I hope she picks the nights. I do have to make my parents proud of me while I gaze at the beautiful nose in the process.

The tutoring might not really help with my grades, I happen to be good at digital circuits. It just sounds nice to waste my time staring at this creature. A creature that seldom appears in my school. She is a sight for sore eyes. Visual nourishment I guess. There are very few pretty people in my class. I just happen to be one of the pretty ones. I am happy that finally there is one more yum yum lady and she stands in front of me four times a week. She just made school lovable.

I can’t wait for the tutoring to start. I have officially become a tactile learner (only for the tutoring). I am the kind of learner who easily understands with the help of physical contact. I hope this beautiful creature is going to embrace tactile learning. It is after all the only way that I can get A’s in her class and she will be proud of me. She will be proud of her tactile learner and she will get me a present and she will tutor me for the rest of her life as a

lecturer after seeing the importance of touch during the study. She will become my tactile lecturer and we will be the tactile duo.

Kyllan strongly disproves of my tactics and thinks I need to go back to therapy asap.

How we eat bananas

I accidentally dug my nails into my Kyllan’s undressed banana. He loves his banana and takes very care of it. Sometimes I wish I was the fucking banana (Only before it gets eaten). I am the only one he lets touch his banana and for that, I feel privileged. He has the longest banana that I have ever seen. I have no idea where he buys the bananas. I just enjoy eating them.

He is freaking out and threatening to touch my tits because I have ruined his perfect banana. It is quite late and he cannot go out to get another one.

Here is how he eats his banana…..

He peels off the entire banana peel. Takes out the strings and cuts off both ends. He channels his inner Hulk and smashes the shit out of that sexy fruit with his fist, only one fist-pound is enough. He then scoops the hulk-smashed banana with a serving spoon and puts it in his really big mouth then swallows (something I love watching him do, it gives me the female version of half a chub) and makes a face that signals he is quite pleased with his banana. That mouth is so big; he could hold three billiard balls in there without straining even a little bit.

When he is done with his banana, he sits down and watches me eat mine. This is usually the favorite part of his day. We have this banana thing that we do every day. It is one of the special things in our relationship and is probably the reason why he and I will last forever. We will get married because of bananas. It will be a three people marriage, my girlfriend will be my wife and he will be my husband (this is definitely one of my incredible thoughts). Each time we eat bananas together, our bond deepens. It is quite magical. We love bananas.

Without bananas, we would not be happy. He watches me peel my ripe banana from the stem end. I pull the skin off in similar strips. I remove the banana strings. I get rid of the banana skin. I then open my mouth, shove the entire banana in my mouth which is not so big but I have trained it on how to act big and do activities that big mouths accomplish. I have worked on my gag reflex for a while so that I can be able to pull this off and make my Kyllan happy.

A toast to all the bananas that we are yet to eat and to my girlfriend who is yet to be introduced to this ritual.

Queen of the Monkeys

It is a very very very b-e-a-utiful day, all my senses are delighted today. I got all these tingly sensations. Kyllan is right next to me waiting his mummy wake up. I am his mummy and he is my baby. My handsome baby boy. He is quite yummy. Oh his beautiful smile that I wait to see each day because of how much it excites me. I made a few upgrades on him recently and so far, I like how he is working. I made him with the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden.

“Good morning Kyllan! How are you doing?”

Kyllan assures me he is hunky-dory. That is my boy. He continues to sit there and just watch me. Such a little creepy bastard he is. You will love him. Just seated there with his round eyes and beautiful cheeks that for some reason, he turns them pink as he smiles from ear to ear while holding a red rose that he plucked illegally from my annoying neighbor’s garden. He is such a good boy. I love Kyllan. I could have married him if he were human and I had no relation to him..

I yawn, opening my mouth so wide that a blue bee flew into it. The blue bees were special and very rare. If a blue bee stung your tit, you would never need a boob job. The strangest thing about the blue bees was that they chose whose tit to sting. You had to be a nice honorable person for the bees to choose you. Don’t worry though, swallowing a blue bee was not dangerous. I just had to stand up and it would fly out of my anus.

I get out of bed, stand up straight, stretch a little, bend to release the blue bee, walk to the radio, press the play button and start dancing to music while shaking my head and moving around aimlessly without any sense of direction. I still feel hangovered from last night. Kyllan and I have become quite the drunkards.

Just when I am deep into my music and dancing, Kyllan pauses my music.

He then tells me to go to the window and look. I stop dancing like a mad woman and head to my bedroom window. Monkeys all over, all I can see are monkeys. They seem to have surrounded my house. What happened to all my security protocols!! how do a bunch of monkeys find their way past my compound. The monkey upgrade the government made must must have worked.

Kyllan and I head to my security room. We notice that the monkeys had surrounded my house from all directions so I sent Kyllan outside to evaluate the situation.

I am trying to figure out how all those monkeys walked on the street to my place looking the way they looked. A law had just been passed prohibiting all the monkeys from walking around all hairy. They had to all shave and start wearing underwear since their upgrade. Punishment was to be carried out on any monkey that did not follow that rule.

There were exactly 97 monkeys around my house. Kyllan had made his assessment and assured me that all was well.

I got out of my security room and walked out to meet the monkeys.

“Take me to your leader.” I said.

Damn! Finally, I had waited for so long to use that sentence. Exactly 17 years since I started dreaming about encounters with aliens. Well, I will have to settle for monkeys instead since I haven’t met any nice aliens.

The monkeys then pointed at me and I was confused. One of them finally stepped forward and said, “You are our leader. We have been searching for you all our lives. The prophesy was true. It is time that it gets fulfilled.”

What prophecy were they talking about? How can I be the leader of the monkeys? Doesn’t one need to look like a monkey to be able to be their leader? Am I a monkey? This all is confusing. I need a drink.

I got into the house with the one monkey that stepped froward. We sat at the kitchen counter. I offered him whiskey and he was delighted to take it. He had never had whiskey his entire life. We both chugged half a bottle quietly for about 2 minutes and then, when we started feeling tipsy, the explanation began.

So, my great grandfather was a monkey. Can you imagine that! My great grandmother was accidentally inseminated with a monkey’s sperm instead of human sperm. This explained a lot about my hairy uncle Dave. After my great grandmother gave birth to my grandfather, she went to the jungle to look for the father of the baby. She found him and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

The prophecy talked about a descendant that looked human but had monkey blood in his/her veins. The prophecy also talked about the law about all the monkey’s having to shave and wear underwear. The descendant who looked human would be the one to shave the monkeys and pick out one uniform underwear for all the monkeys to wear. That was to be my job. I was the chosen one. I already started having all these monkey ideas in my head. I would take the monkeys shopping, buy them froghurt, teach them how pout lips, open Instagram accounts for them, make Christmas turkey in July and maybe go with them to Mars.

I finally understood my love for bananas and climbing trees. Nobody could climb trees better than me. I was the world record holder for climbing the most trees in a single hour while using only two limbs and blindfolded.

I named my fellow drunk monkey ‘Anthony’ because I kept forgetting his real name. Anthony and I finished the two bottles of whiskey and I was ready to begin shaving but unfortunately, I was too drunk to do the shaving. I blacked out, Kyllan carried me to my bed, he also made all the monkeys comfortable in my basement and left a note at the side of my bed explaining everything that had happened so I don’t get alarmed when I see monkeys all over my house. How could I be alarmed? I was one of them. I was their queen.

The splits and Allie

I, unfortunately, cannot do the splits. I will not knowingly spread my legs to an 180-degree angle. It just feels dangerous. I don’t really subscribe to danger, you know, I am all into self-preservation and all and have to keep myself healthy for when I go to Mars with my lovely android Kyllan. Anyway, Kyllan would never agree to me doing the splits. I hardcoded that into his neural network. One split can cause a lot of wear and tear in my loins and that would not be good for me in any way. It is probably worse for men because they can just tear their balls right in the middle and all the sperm will be destroyed not to mention the excruciating pain. I cannot imagine the world without sperm. No more real babies. We might end up having to grow babies in labs. (Because of this fear, the president of the whole world soon issued an arrest warrant to any male that was caught doing or trying to do the splits and the punishment was life in jail where you will be taken care of very well so that no danger comes to either you or your balls until your death and if this proved difficult, your balls would be chopped off and given to someone that actually cares). I may not have balls but I love my loins and I need to take extremely good care of them. So, let us all say NO to the splits.

Meanwhile, I just got out of bed because I cannot fucking sleep. Sleep escapes me, playing a game of ‘hide and seek’, mostly hiding and rearing its head just once in a while, seduces me with kisses and just when I am about to fall, I find myself all alone and wondering where all that sweet sexy sleep disappeared to. I cannot feel it touch anymore. In a lot of ways, sleep to me is Cleopatra personified clad in red and six-inch heels. It is almost 0400 hours. Retarded mosquitoes are feasting on my alcohol filled blood (It was a memorable night for me before the mosquitoes happened). The little bastards must be having a blast with their mouths stuck deep into my supple skin.

I have been thinking for the past few minutes about Allie. Allie is this girl that I just realized I have a huge crush on, a bigger than Everest crush. I have known her for two whole years but I just recently shamefully started having all these thoughts about her that are three buses, a taxi, and a long walk away from clean. I used to have dirty thoughts about her best friend but she turned out to be very Heterosexual (yes, I absolutely mean it with the capital ‘H’). The last time I saw Allie, I kept staring when she wasn’t looking and whenever she was looking, I tried stealing furtive glances. I love stealing furtive glances and pretending that I was looking elsewhere as soon as I get caught. she had this blue shirt that made her look super sexy. She had really hot pants on too. I love her gait and I stare at her bouncy bum (that I would love to cup) and face a lot.

Allie is a really cool girl. She is hot too (always a bonus after smartness). I am not entirely sure if someone can be both of those at the same time. Being both cool and hot gets you out of the 1 to 10 scale because you definitely are 11 or above. Allie is probably at 15. She is very yum yum yum yum yum. I want to eat her. Perhaps I could just bite and leave it there, a little hickey does not hurt at all. Not in the Hannibal Lecter way, that would be creepy as hell. Eating her will land me in jail or in a mental asylum and I know so well I would not last a minute there before someone made me their bitch.

Sometimes, I turn into a sociopath when I like someone or have a crush on them or so my friends tell me. I always want to bump into Allie so I can hug her and feel her cushion like boobs on my chest. I have learned something very important from hugging Allie; she has ABS. I like ABS. I like my girls fit as hell. Oh Allie, why can’t you notice how crazy I am about you? I hear you like mysterious girls. I am mysterious. I got a fog machine under my bed. I bet you will love that. We can hang out in the fog together and watch Doctor Who and pretend that I am a Dalek and you are the Doctor and you show me mercy even though I am hell bent on exterminating you. You then override Davro’s programming and turn me into a good Dalek and we will travel the universe and get married in the Medusa Cascade and Captain Jack Harkness will cry as he pronounces us wife and wife. Just be my Time Lord already, my dear Allie.

I am currently gathering up all the courage I need and then I will be back to tell how I probably freaked out and turned super duper red then fainted  and woke up in a hospital bed with a broken heart condition caused by continuously disappointing myself because I am too scared to tell a girl that I like her and the tomato cheeks story will happen once again.